10 Tips to Keep Your "Give" Tank Full

We all face feeling depleted from time to time. If you are like me, you don't always realize it until you have about an eighth of a tank of "give" to give. Before you let your "give" tank get so empty that you don't have the energy to push it to the station to "filler up" again, here are 10 very accessible things you can do when your tank is low, or practice every day so your tank can stay full.

• Who is taking care of you? You are taking care of your kids, your partner, your parents, your neighbors, your friends, your work associates, your church members, your pets…you are making sure everyone is okay. But who is making sure you are doing okay? Put yourself on the top of your "taking care of" list. Once you take care of you, then you can take care of everyone else.

• Take a technology break. When you are feeling depleted, it is okay to step away from the computer, from your Facebook account, from your cell phone and from other technology. While social media is a wonderful way to connect to your friends, family and community, often times we tell ourselves that playing on Facebook is our "me" time, but in reality it is more passive bombardment of what everyone else is doing, needing support over or wanting accolades for. It can become one more thing we feel like we have to do, rather than enjoy doing. When you are feeling fatigued, choose to turn off the computer and actively spend that time feeding your soul, however that looks: time with your loved ones, taking a nice walk, enjoying a hot cup of tea, reading or doing anything else that may reconnect you to yourself, rather than make you feel like you have to reply to that email, comment on that friend's post or try to keep up with everyone else's online status.

• Reconnect with nature. There is no better way to feel grounded than by being in nature. Whether it means you spend time in your own garden, walk at a local park or take a day trip someplace, nature is always there for us to bring us back to our true selves.

• It is okay to not answer the phone. Okay, yes, sometimes we need to answer that very important call from the boss, or a family member may need us for something urgent. But not every call needs to be answered. Record for yourself a good voicemail message, and set boundaries around calls back, like "I will return your call within 24 hours." That way, you can spend more peaceful time doing the grocery shopping, or watching a child's sporting event or spending time with friends over coffee.
• Do something you don't normally do. Mix up what you do every day. Sure, there is comfort in routine, but sometimes routine can start making you feel like you have forgotten how to take care of you. Drive a different route to work, one that is more scenic than the normal route you take. Go to a mom and pop coffee shop rather than a Starbucks. Stop at the grocery store on your way home and buy yourself some flowers. Just meandering away from your routine in small ways can lead you to feeling refreshed and seeing things with new eyes.
• Make a list of "should do's" and "want to do's" and see if they are the same. I admit it, I am a certified people-pleaser and many people out there, especially women, tend to be, too. Although I have realized this and have worked on it through the years, there are times where that people-pleasing desire comes to the surface and I say "yes" to everything that comes my way. Instead of saying "yes", how about say, "I will let you know" and then sit with that. Does it feel like something you are telling yourself you "should do"? Or are you really wanting to go to that dinner, meeting or other event? If you feel like you "should go", often that is your soul telling you it isn't something that will bring you joy; rather, it becomes one more obligation. Sure, you can't always get out of those "should do" events, but if you take some time to sit with what is presented, then you can certainly pare down what you commit your time to so you can spend more time taking care of you.

• Find that special treat. Everyone has something that they consider to be a special treat. What is it for you? For me, it is salted caramel…anything…but ice cream usually does the trick. I always make sure to have some in my freezer, not to eat the entire carton of course, but for those times I need a little pick me up. I am not promoting unhealthy comfort eating, or any sort of excessive dependency on food and other vices, of course, but after a long day I often think "I can't wait to have some ice cream and read the book I started and am enjoying." What is your treat? Make it something you can look forward to, almost like a reward for a job well done, at the end of a long day or week.
• Have weekday/weekend rituals. Having specific rituals during the week, and different ones on the weekend, can help you feel like you are doing something special for yourself. I have a friend who unapologetically goes to yoga on the weekends. She goes every weekend and rarely skips it to, say, meet for breakfast or sleep in, and it is how she puts herself at the top of her list. Maybe you only get the newspaper on Sundays so you can ease in the day slowly, drink coffee, and enjoy the paper. Maybe during the week you take an early morning walk, but on the weekend you like to get out and hike instead. Think about where you can mix up your weekend and weekday rituals so you feel like you are treating yourself during your down time.
• Tackle one "must do" early on. I admit there are two household chores I can't stand doing: laundry and changing my sheets. I can easily throw the laundry in the washer and dryer, but it is the folding and hanging that gets on my nerves. Likewise, taking the bed apart, and then putting it all back together is something that irritates me, even though I love the smell and feel of freshly washed sheets. I used to wait until the end of the week, or even the weekend, to do these chores, which made me want to do them even less. By changing it up, and doing both early in the week, I get the household jobs done early on so that I can have more time with family and friends, or just on my own, during the weekend. What chores can you fit in at different times of the week so that you have more time for yourself and your loved ones during your days off?
• Delegate. I know the people-pleaser in me often takes on more than I want to handle. Delegating tasks, whether it be household tasks you split with your partner or children, or tasks you face in your professional or volunteer life, allows you to disperse some of the responsibility so things don't just sit on your shoulders.

 

I hope you find these ten tips are easy to incorporate into your everyday life and can create new patterns of keeping your "give" tank full! Feel free to email me, post on the Facebook page or comment below on what small things you do everyday to keep your tank full.

Let's skip the in-between: How I just wanted her to read a Brene Brown book and everything would be okay

I admit I am pretty imperfect. I make my share of mistakes or mis-judge situations or just down right say or do something stupid from time to time. I like to think I own my imperfection and can be the first person who admits to being wrong. However, I sometimes have a hard time allowing others those imperfections as well.

I had gotten to know a woman over the past year who recently just moved out of state. I remember the first time I met her and we talked for over an hour. We got to know each other over time, and I found out that she was amidst a lot of change and turmoil in her life. Recently divorced, she moved out to Denver for a "fresh start" but things just weren't panning out. She had a short-lived romance with a man, her job was on rocky ground and she was battling some depression and anxiety. As the year progressed, our conversations almost solely revolved around her life circumstance. One day, I decided to tell her what I thought she should do about her life. "Just read anything by Brene Brown and you will totally be transformed and it will all be okay!" I leant her Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and looked forward to her amazing transformation after reading it.

One year later, the book was returned at my door with a note, "Wish I had read this before moving." Her life, over the past year I had known her, never improved; it only declined further, with more heartbreak, no steady income, barely making ends meet and a depression that kept in her bed often for 16 hours a day. And I thought one insightful book would do the trick to turn her life around. Because I couldn't allow her an imperfect life; I wanted her to have the same joy that I have in my life, with good friends, a caring family, pursuing my passion project and living a comfortable existence. However, after over my own 22 years of personal self-reflection and improvement, since I was 18 years old and discovered Deepak Chopra, I had forgotten that people can be imperfect, heck…they can even choose to live imperfectly! But within these imperfections, each individual has to know inside that s/he are worthy of a life worth living. One's family can say it, friends can say it, a lover can say it, a spouse can say it, one's own kids can say it, books can write about it…but each person needs to know it for him or herself.

I recently took a solo trip to Taos, NM. I popped in my Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith audiobook"Your Life's Purpose: Life Visioning Practices for Activating Your Highest Potential "as I drove from Pueblo to the turn off to Taos. Beckwith said something that I think about every time I awake in the middle of night to a panic attack about "what's next" in my own life. He reminded me something very, very important…that I am unique to this world, that there will never be anything or anyone like me again. No one like me came before, and no one like me will ever be here again. That is powerful stuff! And truthfully it isn't stuff that egos are made of. It is stuff that we are made of…acknowledging our true genuineness and ability to bring forth our own gifts into the world and face our own imperfections with grace and humility.

As much as I wished for my neighbor to know this for herself and her life, discovering this can only happen through her journey, your journey and through my own journey. But just when I feel doubtful, anxious or scared, I think how I have shaped even just my little sphere of life just by being alive and being me. Whether for the positive, or peppered with our many imperfections…all of us have made our own, authentic ripples into the waves of the universe, contributing our own personal gifts, our abilities to love and our resiliency through change and transition.

Breathing Space

I don't know about you, but I have always taken the idea of "spring cleaning" pretty seriously. Those first days where the sun is out, there is a light breeze but the weather is warming up, I open up the windows and start going through things. My closet, for sure, is the first place I tackle. I put those heavy winter sweaters away, tuck the boots in a box in the closet and bring out the lighter fabrics and open toed shoes, sandals and flip flops.

Over the past few years, I have made the concept of "spring cleaning" become "fall cleaning" and go through the same process. I put away the lighter weight fabrics, tuck the sandals and flip flops in the box in exchange for the boots, closed toe shoes and heavier fabrics, sweaters, pants and jeans. Yesterday was such a day to do so. My head was feeling cloudy and unfocused, the weather was cool and gloomy, and my closet/bedroom was starting to look like a small rat's nest, or perhaps the beginnings of hoarding (Don't worry, I won't be throwing out my greyhound in my Goodwill run!).

There are many benefits to cleaning out the clutter. I stumbled across an article at Shape's online magazine that covers many benefits, and these benefits coincide with the various aspects of self-care. The article cites various studies and journals that show this relationship:

• Physical Self-Care: Cleaning out the clutter can actually help you eat better! “Clutter is stressful for the brain, so you’re more likely to resort to coping mechanisms such as choosing comfort foods or overeating than if you spend time in neater surroundings." Not only that, but being more organized can help you stick to your workouts and even lose weight.
• Mental/Emotional Self-Care: Cleaning out the clutter can lead to less depression and stress. "Women who described their homes as 'cluttered' or full of 'unfinished projects' were more depressed, fatigued, and had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol than women who felt their homes were 'restful' and 'restorative'."
• Relational Self-Care: "Happy relationships with your partner and friends are key to warding off depression and disease, but a disorganized life can take a toll on these bonds. For couples, clutter can create tension and conflict and the time you spend looking for missing items can also take away from time you could be spending together."
• Professional Self-Care: Cleaning out the clutter can lead to higher productivity. “When you’re organized at work, you’re more productive and efficient, which means you’re able to finish at a reasonable time and go home. This leaves you with the time you need to exercise, prepare a healthy meal, relax, and get more sleep."

I know for myself, I am already feeling more relaxed and have more mental clarity. See the after picture? Wouldn't you feel better if your room looked like this rather than in a state of disarray? I know my greyhound does! 

A bonus question for you: Where in your home or work space could you clean out some clutter and gain more clarity? Is it as big as your entire house, or as small as a drawer? Do you live and work in your car, thus every food wrapper and stray pen has found a place nestled somewhere in the front or back seat? Does your work desk look as though a tornado passed through? Find where you need clarity, clear out the clutter and see how you feel!

Changing Seasons and Grief

Like going through death anniversaries and other days that remind us of a death or significant loss, seasons changing can have the same effect on our grief. As the hot summer days fade into cool afternoons and evenings…as the last leaf falls from the trees before the the first frost…as the days eventually grow longer and warmer out of the cold blustery days of winter…and as the still chilly spring days warm up into eternally warm summer days and nights...seasons can often remind us of major change and transition in our lives. For many of us, seasons can mark the differences between what life was like then and what life is like now.

For me, I feel the effects of seasonal grief more during the spring and fall months. Mike and I always ushered spring in with walks in our neighborhood, enjoying neighbors' gardens as they began to wake up and as we considered what we would add to our garden that year. We ushered fall in by walking our dogs to the local coffee shop, and then enjoying an afternoon football game on the TV as we made homemade nachos and cozied up on the couch. Now, in the cooler evenings and mornings on this edge of fall, I get small pangs of sadness that I am not able to enjoy this season changing with Mike.

Having just ushered in September, seasons changing and the effect on grief leads me to share this poem I came across the other day…

Seasons Of Grief 
By Belinda Stotler

Shall I wither and fall like an autumn leaf,

From this deep sorrow - from this painful grief?

How can I go on or find a way to be strong?

Will I ever again enjoy life's sweet song?

Sometimes a warm memory sheds light in the dark

And eases the pain like the song of a Meadow Lark.

Then it flits away on silent wings and I'm alone;

Hungering for more of the light it had shone.

Shall grief's bitter cold sadness consume me,

Like a winter storm on the vast angry sea?

How can I fill the void and deep desperate need

To replant my heart with hope's lovely seed?

Then I look at a photo of your playful smiling face

And for a moment I escape to a serene happy place;

Remembering the laughter and all you would do,

Cherishing the honest, caring, loving spirit of you.

Shall spring's cheerful flowers bring life anew

And allow me to forget the agony of missing you?

Will spring's burst of new life bring fresh hope

And teach my grieving soul how to cope?

Sometimes I'll read a treasured card you had given me

And each word's special meaning makes me see,

The precious gift of love I was fortunate to receive,

And I realize you'd never want to see me grieve.

Shall summer's warm brilliant sun bring new light,

And free my anguished mind of its terrible plight?

Will its gentle breezes chase grief's dark clouds away,

And show me a clear path towards a better day?

When I visit the grave where you lie in eternal peace,

I know that death and heaven brought you release;

I try to envision your joy on that shore across the sea,

And, until I join you, that'll have to be enough for me.

For all the remaining seasons of my life on earth,

There'll be days I'll miss your merriment and mirth,

And sometimes I'll sadly long for all the yesterdays;

Missing our chats and your gentle understanding ways.

Yet, the lessons of kindness and love you taught me,

And the good things in life you've helped me to see;

Linger as lasting gifts that comfort and will sustain,

Until I journey to that peaceful shore and see you again.

If this posting/poem speaks to you, take some quiet time to ponder how grief may show up in the seasons of your life. If you are someone who processes through writing, some things to consider include:

• What seasons might be more difficult to experience after your loss/transition? What does the season remind you about the experience, or about the loved one who has passed?
• What kind of self-care can you engage in that will offer you solace during the grief seasons changing can bring?
• What hope might be found for you in the changing of seasons?

If you are someone who processes through visual means, take out a few magazines and create a collage from pictures that show how seasons impact your grief/loss/change on one side of the paper, and on the other choose pictures that show what hope you have for the future as you face further changing seasons.

For me, I find spending time in nature to be a healing activity for my heart and soul. I recently spent time at a few local farms, walking and enjoying the expansive harvest. I also enjoy seeking out those scenic drives where the leaves show all the colors…reds, oranges, light yellows, dark yellows, and fading greens. 

My wish for you…