Meaningful New Year's Resolutions

We are coming out of the darkest month, winter solstice behind us and more light entering in our days. As 2017 approaches we look toward it with hope, maybe with a little trepidation, and with new eyes for the year's goals.

Where were you this time last year? I was working as a hospice social worker, feeling connection and love to my patients but disconnected from the logistics of the job. I knew my calling was being half fulfilled, walking with people in the scariest and hardest part of life, but the other half, the stress…the on-call hours, the daily "crisis" mode I felt like I was in...I wasn't satisfied with. As much as I tried all the self-care tools and tips I knew of, I started feeling that something was wrong that I had to work so hard to undo the stress I experienced 50plus hours a week. A good friend and I would take long walks in our neighborhood and talk about our hopes and dreams for 2016. Not only was this the year that I felt like I wanted professional change, it was the year of my 40th birthday. I wanted my 40th year to be special, marked by meaningful change and a purpose-filled existence.

2016 was a year where I manifested many things that I set intentions upon that New Year's. I managed to leave the stress of my job behind by leaving my job and starting Soulful Transitions. I managed to unearth the creative and artistic soul that lie dormant in me for decades. I managed to put together walking with people in tough times with artistic expression, and seeing positivity unfold. As I recently dismantled the vision board I had created for myself in 2016 I realized I reached all the professional goals I had set for myself in 2016.

Personal goals, however, were another matter, and these are set forth on my vision board for 2017. The hope for new relationships to unfold, the desire for amping up my already healthy lifestyle into one that incorporates more movement, more healthy food, more reflective and meditative time for myself. My vision board is not focused this time on my work, as I have another place where I now keep my intentions for Soulful Transitions to grow. My personal life is what needs a little fine tuning this 41st year of my life.

What kind of New Year's goal setter are you? Sometimes people sleep walk into New Year's and the goals tend to be the same…lose weight, watch less TV, spend more time with loved ones…but when New Year's goals become rote and lose impact on January 2nd maybe it is time to take a different approach. We have a few days before the countdown to 2017, so find some time in your busy day to sit down, take out some paper and a pen, and consider these ideas for meaningful New Year's Resolutions:

• Where in your life do you want to put more attention? Not "Should" put more attention, but "Want To." Where in your life do you feel satisfied? 
• What words would you use to describe your life now? What words would you like to use to describe your life moving forward?
• Reflecting on the Bill Keane quote “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery…today is a gift, which is why it is called the present” what can you work toward letting go from the past, what hopes/anxieties do you have for the future, and how can you remain in the present moment to keep grounded? Remember, the past is over and done with and there isn't much you can do to change the events, the future hasn't even occurred, so what can you do to remain in the present moment?
• Spiritual leader Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith describes integrity in this way: "Integrity is about being integrated with the spiritual values of the Universe. It is also about being happy, because happiness and joy means that you are coming into integrity with your soul." When you consider living a life of integrity, what does that mean to you? Is it an alignment of your physical, spiritual, emotional, professional, mental, and relational aspects? How can you bring these parts of you into alignment?
• Consider one to three things you want to change in your life. If you were to look back this time next year and feel satisfied, what would need to happen this year to get you there?

After reflecting on these questions, take some time this week to gather together items for a vision board. Cut out quotes and pictures from magazines that are aligned with the intentions and goals you have for the New Year. Find photos you love, quotes from Internet sources that inspire you to integrate all the aspects of your life. When you have your items together, take some time before January 1st to post them to a cork board, foam board, or just a piece of paper. Hang it where you can see it, and throughout the year add to it and subtract from it when you either feel inspired by something or no longer inspired by something. Keep it up all year and this time next year you can reflect on where you are this time next year and what you may want to consider for 2018.

Interested in gathering some friends or colleagues together for a vision board workshop in January to create intentions for the New Year? Contact me and I can come to your home or workplace for a small fee toward materials and instruction.

End of year report and looking to the future

Please note: Wednesday Words blog posts will be on a holiday until we approach the New Year. Soulful Transitions wishes you all a holiday season filled with light, love, reflection, and heartfelt time with family/friends. If you find the holidays stressful or difficult, feel free to read my past blog posts on getting through tough times:

Self Care in Times of Transition

Tips to Keep your "Give" Tank Full

Know that there are many resources out there for you during the holidays if you are also dealing with grief and loss. An excellent resource can be found here:

http://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/

We are inching toward 2017 and I thought today would be the day to reflect on where Soulful Transitions has been since its inception in August of 2016 and where it hopes to go! Since August, Soulful Transitions…

• Became an LLC, got an employer ID number, and opened a bank account
• Got covered by business and professional liability insurance
• Renewed Registered Psychotherapist status with the Dept of Regulatory Agencies
• Established a social media presence with a blog site and a Facebook page
• Hosted a self-care workshop
• Attended networking events
• Maintained membership in the Grief Network Alliance
• Posted weekly on the blog about getting through times of transition and change
• Attended seven arts and crafts markets with little gifts from the heART
• Was accepted into Bella Luna Gifts and Gallery for "Little Boxes…"
• Became a member of People House collective community

What does the future hold for Soulful Transitions?

• Hold quarterly workshops on self-care
• Hold "heart of service" workshops at People House (donation only workshops that promote self-care, gratitude and giving back to others)
• Re-brand the creative side of Soulful Transitions that houses the "Little Boxes…" and other gifts from the heART (embellished photos, collage work)
• Look into non-profit status to bring "Little Boxes" and self-care workshops to marginalized populations
• Launch "A Little Box Of Memories" for those looking for a little box to keep memories of departed loved ones
• Create 7 day reminder "Self-Care Cards" and launch those into retail stores
• Get "Little Boxes…" into at least five gift retailers
• Continue to be available for one-on-one sessions for anyone looking to incorporate creativity with dealing with life's transitions
• Move from the blog site to create and implement a website
• Continue presence at arts and crafts markets; pursue farmer's markets for the summer months
• Research studio space that could be used for workshops, Soulful Transitions' workspace, and also could hold pop-up craft shows
• Co-create a networking group with other women entrepreneurs

I look forward to seeing what 2017 will bring! Thank you for joining me as I continue on this journey!

Love and Light,

Melanie

Wrapping up the Gratitude Challenge

My 30 Day Gratitude Challenge is wrapping up and I have spent time reflecting on how to ensure a grateful heart every day. I pulled out an old gratitude journal-the one Sarah Ban Breathnach had published years ago-and will keep it by my bed to continue writing down my gratitudes each day. The one extra step…the step of honoring that gratitude with action...is what I truly hope to take with me as a daily ritual. Not only reflecting on my gratitude but also doing the work of showing it has allowed the gratitude to make an imprint on my heart and soul.

• Thursday, Nov 24th: Grateful for Thanksgiving! I have so much gratitude for this day to be with family. To honor this day, I treated my family to a Thanksgiving feast, made my home a "no-political" zone so we could enjoy each other, and also got to spend some time with my dear neighbor/friend and her family.
• Friday, Nov 25th: Grateful for being able to spend time outdoors! To honor it, on this beautiful day, I took Rene for a long walk at a local park.
• Saturday, Nov 26th: Grateful for patience! I honored my patience by using mindfulness and deep breathing when faced with a large crowd and small spaces at a local holiday market.
• Sunday, Nov 27th: Grateful for light! At today's Mile Hi Church service, Rev. Shannon gave a talk on how light always shines in times of darkness. To honor it, I added a few more little strings of lights in my home and had those small lights shining in the evening.
• Monday, Nov 28th: Grateful for discipline! To honor it, I steered myself back toward my daily routine after the detour of the holidays.
• Tuesday, Nov 29th: Grateful for sleep! I got an entire nights rest and woke up naturally at 5:30am. To honor it I am using my energy to get things accomplished this morning rather than wait until later.
• Wednesday, Nov 30th: Grateful for my health! To honor it today, I am doing a one day cleanse. Lots of warm water with ginger, lemon and small vegetarian meals throughout the day. Plus, some stretching and a good walk with Rene!

As we hover this day over the start of a new month, one of the darkest months of the year, I wish you experiences of gratitude that can be the beacon of light during the darkness. 

Gratitude Challenge Week Three

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, 2016. I have continued on my gratitude journey, and am discovering that thankfulness enters into my heart every day in some way. I am especially thankful for this holiday, where time slows a bit and allows family and friends to savor each other.

• Thursday, Nov 17th: Grateful that Rene enjoys other dogs! I honored her easy going personality by having her good friend Ava over for the day. I can tell she likes the company.
• Friday, Nov 18th: Grateful for feeling good, healthy and energized! I honored this day by using my energy to get things done, to spend with Rene, and to have good friends over for dinner.
• Saturday, Nov 19th: Grateful for serendipity! To honor it, while working a craft show, I spent time with new friends, ran into a seasoned friend and met her husband for the first time, and networked with other women entrepreneurs.
• Sunday, Nov 20th: Grateful for tapping into spontaneity, wonder and awe! To honor it, a friend and I were spontaneous, treated ourselves to brunch at Rioja and spent some time on Larimer Square, enjoying the feeling of the holiday season ramping up.
• Monday, Nov 21st: Grateful for my courage! To honor it, I spoke up at my HOA board meeting and brought up issues that others may have deemed unimportant or uncomfortable to discuss.
• Tuesday, Nov 22nd: Grateful for Facebook! To honor it, I had brunch with a dear "g-old" friend who I haven't seen in years and we reconnected with this social media technology. Our reunion held no awkward moments, rather we just picked up right where we left off!
• Wednesday, Nov 23rd: Grateful to be off today! To honor it, I will make the most of the day, getting ready to host my family tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and I wish it a day of peace, love, relaxation, good food, friends, family, and some pie!

Gratitude Challenge Week Two

My 30 Day Gratitude Challenge continues. I am finding the ritual of waking up and thinking about what to be grateful for that day, as well as how to honor it, has been an inspiring way to greet the day!

• Thursday, Nov 10th: Grateful for my friends! To honor them, I called two friends who I hadn't spoken to in a while. I sent cards to four friends I have known since grade school/high school acknowledging my gratitude for their life long friendship.
• Friday, Nov 11th: Grateful for active duty and veteran military service! Grateful for my freedom. To honor them/my freedom I posted a thank you on Facebook and acknowledged all the vets I have served as a hospice social worker.
• Saturday, Nov 12th: Grateful for Soulful Transitions' customers! To honor them, at the Cook Park Artisan Market I threw in free earrings and cards for purchases to acknowledge my appreciation.
• Sunday, Nov 13th: Grateful for my spiritual path! To honor it, I went to Mile Hi Church to engage in spiritual self-care.
• Monday, Nov 14th: Grateful that I enjoy cooking! To me, homemade meals have been so healing and comforting during difficult times. To honor cooking, I went grocery shopping and made turkey tacos for dinner.
• Tuesday, Nov 15th: Grateful for the gallery and store Bella Luna and all the people I have met through there! To honor it, I put a gratitude out on Facebook, thanking a neighbor and friend for introducing me to the owner of Bella Luna.
• Wednesday, November 16th: Grateful for the beautiful weather of this fall! To honor it I took Rene on a longer than usual walk in a local park. I took off my headphones for a bit, enjoyed the distant moon over the silhouette of the mountains.

The first week of the gratitude challenge

Last week was the start of my 30 day gratitude challenge! I must admit, I was feeling like I was trudging through last week just a bit. However, I found being present to gratitude lifted the fog I was feeling and made me feel alive and connected to my work, my community, my family and friends. Today, this day after the presidential election, I continue to reflect on gratitude as a way to remind myself to be ever present in the moment and to appreciate all the good things in my life.

• Tuesday, Nov 1st: Grateful for my parents! To honor them I bought Duffeyrolls and made them breakfast as a surprise.
• Wednesday, Nov 2nd: Grateful for Rene, my greyhound! To honor her I took her on a mid-day romp at the dog park with her dog friend Ava.
• Thursday, Nov 3rd: Grateful for having known, loved, was loved by, and married to Mike! To honor him Rene and I took a trip to the cemetery and spent time at his grave.
• Friday, Nov 4th: Grateful for "my voice"! To honor my voice I spoke up when I needed to and shared my feelings.
• Saturday, Nov 5th: Grateful for my business Soulful Transitions! To honor it I was very "present" at the holiday market representing my business and connecting with many people, sharing my story and hearing their stories as well.
• Sunday, Nov 6th: Grateful for my neighbor Mary! To honor her I gave her a thank you card, small chocolate piece and a grape ornament I had made.
• Monday, Nov 7th: Grateful for my car! To honor it I gave it a well-deserved wash and vacuum.
• Tuesday, Nov 8th: Grateful for being able to have a morning ritual! To honor it I made tea and sipped it in bed with Rene asleep by my side.
• Wednesday, Nov 9th: Grateful for my brother! To honor him I mailed him a card telling him how much I appreciate him in my life.

30 Day Gratitude Challenge

This week, Wednesday Words is being posted one day earlier as it is the beginning of the month and I wanted to invite you to a 30 Day Gratitude Challenge! Starting today, and for each day of November, think about one thing per day for which you are grateful. To further challenge you, not only think about one thing a day for which you are grateful, but put gratitude for it into action that day.  Here is my example:

Today I am grateful for my family who are loving and supportive. To show them my gratitude, I treated them to Duffeyrolls and breakfast as a surprise this morning.

I have created a Gratitude Calendar you can download and print off. At the top of each day write the one thing you are grateful for that day, and underneath it write what you did to acknowledge/honor it. At the end of the month you can look back and be reminded of all the good things in your life.

Download the Gratitude Calendar here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-xgCreNSZ2OYTR4VXRERndUWlE/view?usp=sharing

Why gratitude?  Those of us who have experienced personal loss, struggle, difficult change or transition have learned the hard way the positive impact of gratitude has on our lives, ability to cope, ability to have hope and encouragement for the future and being present in the moment for feelings of peace. When I counsel people after the loss of a loved one, they often ask me, What can I do to stop this pain? How long will this pain last? What can you tell me to feel better? In most cases, I wish I had a magic wand to wave it all away, or a big blanket of love to cover that person; however, much of our own healing comes from within. Being grateful and having a gratitude practice, where you actively acknowledge that for which you are grateful, allows you to be in the present moment and not stuck in fear for the future or regrets from the past.

Why 30 days?  I am not going to tell you that 30 days leads to new habits…that idea is challenged by experts and many say new habits take longer than that to form. However, I will anecdotally support the notion that a 30 day challenge has long term positive impacts. A 30 day challenge can give you something new to focus on, can bring awareness to things you may have forgotten about, or help you on the path to new practices and positive personal growth/change. Below, enjoy this short video by Matt Cutts from a 2011 TED Talk about 30 day challenges:

For the month of November, Wednesday Words will feature those things for which I am grateful and how I honored them each day. Whether you share yours with your friends and family or keep it private is up to you, but I hope you find the practice inspiring and that it will help lead you to feelings of peace and joy.

Altar Creation for Loved Ones Passed or for Visioning

As Dia de los Muertos approaches I wanted to share a little about the transformational power of altar creation. For those celebrating and honoring their dead, altars are created and on them placed items the loved one enjoyed (foods/drinks), pictures and anything that would be a special reminder of that person's life. Altars can serve many purposes-they can be a celebratory space, a meditative space, a spiritual space, a remembrance space or a visioning space. Below are some examples. 

I created this altar with all things that bring me joy...spirituality, symbolism, creativity, celebration...

I made a "mini-altar" in a shadowbox with some photos of my late husband Mike and me and some of the things he loved-Chewbacca and Antarctica figurines!

These are altars at the Dia de los Muertos celebration from last year at the Denver Botanic Gardens

Altars can transform grief and sadness into hope and encouragement by reminding us of the joy that person brought while he/she was alive. Altars can also transform the future-by creating a "visioning altar" for example you can put things that you hope to happen in the future and meditate on them to be manifested. People often do this with "vision boards" as well for the same outcome.

What kind of altar would you create? Is there a loved one who has passed you want to celebrate and remember? Are there loved ones struggling-or are you struggling-and you want to create an altar for hope and healing? Or do you want to create a new vision for your life?

Altars can be created in five very accessible steps:

1) Locate a place in your home where you would like the altar. Maybe it is in a quiet, reflective space or maybe you want it front in center to be reminded every time you walk by. Clear that space of what is currently on there.
2) Find a cloth, scarf or other fabric you enjoy looking at and lay it on the surface.
3) Layer the surface with your altar items. Put larger items in the back and smaller items in the front. Include anything that is meaningful, positive, uplifting and joyful about the person/situation/or vision on which you plan to focus. Include candles (those LED candles are nice so you don't forget to blow them out) and burn incense/use an essential oil diffuser at the altar.
4) When the altar is created, make it a space where you can reflect on what is there several times a day. If you want, share with friends and family your altar so they can appreciate it and find hope in it, too.
5) Observe what's in your heart and happening in your life…do you feel more uplifted? At peace? Are some things you are hoping for in the future coming true?

Celebrating Life by Honoring Death

"To the inhabitant of New York, Paris, or London, death is a word that is never uttered because it burns the lips. The Mexican on the other hand, frequents it, mocks it, caresses it, sleeps with it, entertains it; it is one of his favorite playthings and his most enduring love." - Octavio Paz, The Labyrinth of Solitude


I spent Friday evening at my favorite gallery-Chac Gallery and Cultural Center-and participated in their widely anticipated and highly celebrated Dia de los Muertos party. Traditional Aztec dancers, face painting, sugar skull decorating, a piñata and a "Tree of Life" all commemorated this event. The festivities continue through the months end, where between October 30th and early November Day of the Dead festivities will ramp up in communities across the United States and in other countries such as Mexico.

I remember learning about Dia de los Muertos intimately after my husband had died. I found solace in reading about any topic on grief and death as those were texts I could relate to. I picked up a book, Day of the Dead by Kitty Williams and Stevie Mack, and became intrigued that death could be a celebratory event, not just a sad one. The concept shook me to the core, as grief's painful grip had been clutching my heart. Slowly, thanks to the introduction to the celebration death could bring, I began to embrace the idea. I threw a Dia de los Muertos party, creating an altar where people brought pictures of loved ones passed and their favorite food items; the kids made paper flowers and decorated skull and skeleton coloring pages; we ate Pan de Muerto (Mexican bread of the dead) and lit candles. We drank, ate, and celebrated our loved ones with stories and a few tears. It was magical. To this day, I attend Dia de los Muertos celebrations at some point during the month of October into early November. I go to Mike's grave a little more often to just be reminded of having been touched by his life here on earth.

"We come only to sleep, only to dream. It is not true, it is not true that we come to live on this earth. We become as spring weeds, we grow green and open the petals of our hearts. Our body is a plant in flower, it gives flowers and it dies away." - Netzahual Coyotl, Poet and Ruler of Texcoco

If you are interested in learning more about Dia de los Muertos-the history, the imagery, the use of skulls, the creation of altars, the types of food, and other details-this article from National Geographic is very good. The Denver Botanic Gardens will be hosting their Dia de los Muertos celebration on November 5th, another opportunity for the whole family to learn about this tradition and celebration. Or, stop by the Chac Gallery off 7th and Santa Fe to get a true, authentic taste and education on this celebration.

From last year's Dia de los Muertos celebration at the Denver Botanic Gardens, enjoy some imagery I took of this celebration of life!

A Vision for Your Life: Empowering Vs. Disempowering Thoughts

Recently, Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith, the founder and spiritual leader of the Agape International Spiritual Center in California, was interviewed by Oprah on her Super Soul Sunday program:

Rev. Michael Beckwith on OWN Super Soul Sunday

Something that he talks about, and I am just beginning to fully comprehend, is the concept of creating a vision for your life and manifesting it to happen. A part of this visioning process is daily asking yourself empowering questions versus dis-empowering questions when it comes to your life. Beckwith preaches and lives the lesson of manifestation; that we are all unique aspects of the divine able to show our own unique selves as a reflection of the infinite possibilities of the universe. He was instrumental as an interviewee in the movie "The Secret" in which Rhonda Byrne presents how the law of attraction and positive thinking can attract health, happiness and abundance.

Beckwith emphasizes living with intention and asking ourselves: "What am I setting forth for myself?" I was struck by his discussion in the episode about changing from dis-empowering questions and self-talk to empowering questions and self-talk. He provides an example of what that means. Dis-empowering questions are those that surround the idea of "something happened to me." "If only my husband didn't die things would be so much better..." "Why am I stuck in a job I hate?" or "What should I be doing with my life?" Rather, Beckwith encourages us to ask questions that empower ourselves each day: "What is unfolding in my life?" "What is the gift I want to bring to the world?" "Why is this challenge presenting itself in my life?" and "What is unique about me that I can bring forth and manifest?" These questions, rather than questions that keep us in the "victim" stage, can help us begin on a path of unfolding our dreams, abundance and unique purpose in this world by holding ourselves accountable to our own lives.

I found a website as well that provides more concrete examples of dis-empowering vs. empowering words (From this article on powering up your language):

Dis-empowering	Empowering
should	choose, desire, want, could
need to	want to, choose to, desire to
have to	desire to
can't	am not willing to, choose not to
always, never	sometimes, often, seldom
must	choose, desire
but	and
try	intend, aim, will, can, commit to
nah, nope, huh-uh	No
yeah, uh-huh	Yes
just, only	I AM
maybe
you make me	I feel, I am
you - used when talking about yourself	I
if only	next time
problem	opportunity, challenge

Two keys to asking empowering questions are 1) Being open to the answer and 2) Ask with sincerity and transcend religiosity (meaning, ask from the heart and not in a prayer you feel like you "should" be doing)

How might you be able to incorporate empowering thoughts into your day? How might you keep yourself open to the answers that may come to you intuitively? What about empowering thoughts may seem to be out of reach or scary to think about? What about empowering thoughts get you energized?

For myself, I made some "reminder cards" from various phrases Beckwith used in the OWN episode. I keep them by my bed and read them each morning when I wake up. And I have noticed that when I face challenges throughout my day, I take them more in stride and try to find the gift these challenges are presenting to me and with the gratitude that I am alive and able to face opportunities that come my way.

A Favorite Poem

This time of year, I always dig out a poem that reminds me of the harvest bounty fall brings. I find fall to be my most favorite season of representation…while winter represents dormancy and quiet, and spring represents new life, and summer represents activity and play...fall represents that time we can appreciate what we have, while thinking about how we can enhance our lives and continue to grow.

The Seven Of Pentacles By Marge Piercy

Under a sky the color of pea soup

she is looking at her work growing away there

actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans

as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.

If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,

if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,

if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,

if the praying mantis comes and the ladybugs and the bees,

then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.

Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.

You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.

More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.

Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.

Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.

Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.

Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.

Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.

Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving.

Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,

a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us

interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.

Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:

reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.

This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,

for every gardener knows that after the digging, after

the planting,after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.

Questions for you to ponder, write about in a journal, or draw/collage around this poem are:

• What feelings does this poem evoke for you? 
• What does your harvest look like?
• Where might you get stuck in the tangling and interweaving? Where might you let go?
• What underground connections do you have in your life? Where can these enhance your life?
• What does "living as if you liked yourself" look like to you?

10 Tips to Keep Your "Give" Tank Full

We all face feeling depleted from time to time. If you are like me, you don't always realize it until you have about an eighth of a tank of "give" to give. Before you let your "give" tank get so empty that you don't have the energy to push it to the station to "filler up" again, here are 10 very accessible things you can do when your tank is low, or practice every day so your tank can stay full.

• Who is taking care of you? You are taking care of your kids, your partner, your parents, your neighbors, your friends, your work associates, your church members, your pets…you are making sure everyone is okay. But who is making sure you are doing okay? Put yourself on the top of your "taking care of" list. Once you take care of you, then you can take care of everyone else.

• Take a technology break. When you are feeling depleted, it is okay to step away from the computer, from your Facebook account, from your cell phone and from other technology. While social media is a wonderful way to connect to your friends, family and community, often times we tell ourselves that playing on Facebook is our "me" time, but in reality it is more passive bombardment of what everyone else is doing, needing support over or wanting accolades for. It can become one more thing we feel like we have to do, rather than enjoy doing. When you are feeling fatigued, choose to turn off the computer and actively spend that time feeding your soul, however that looks: time with your loved ones, taking a nice walk, enjoying a hot cup of tea, reading or doing anything else that may reconnect you to yourself, rather than make you feel like you have to reply to that email, comment on that friend's post or try to keep up with everyone else's online status.

• Reconnect with nature. There is no better way to feel grounded than by being in nature. Whether it means you spend time in your own garden, walk at a local park or take a day trip someplace, nature is always there for us to bring us back to our true selves.

• It is okay to not answer the phone. Okay, yes, sometimes we need to answer that very important call from the boss, or a family member may need us for something urgent. But not every call needs to be answered. Record for yourself a good voicemail message, and set boundaries around calls back, like "I will return your call within 24 hours." That way, you can spend more peaceful time doing the grocery shopping, or watching a child's sporting event or spending time with friends over coffee.
• Do something you don't normally do. Mix up what you do every day. Sure, there is comfort in routine, but sometimes routine can start making you feel like you have forgotten how to take care of you. Drive a different route to work, one that is more scenic than the normal route you take. Go to a mom and pop coffee shop rather than a Starbucks. Stop at the grocery store on your way home and buy yourself some flowers. Just meandering away from your routine in small ways can lead you to feeling refreshed and seeing things with new eyes.
• Make a list of "should do's" and "want to do's" and see if they are the same. I admit it, I am a certified people-pleaser and many people out there, especially women, tend to be, too. Although I have realized this and have worked on it through the years, there are times where that people-pleasing desire comes to the surface and I say "yes" to everything that comes my way. Instead of saying "yes", how about say, "I will let you know" and then sit with that. Does it feel like something you are telling yourself you "should do"? Or are you really wanting to go to that dinner, meeting or other event? If you feel like you "should go", often that is your soul telling you it isn't something that will bring you joy; rather, it becomes one more obligation. Sure, you can't always get out of those "should do" events, but if you take some time to sit with what is presented, then you can certainly pare down what you commit your time to so you can spend more time taking care of you.

• Find that special treat. Everyone has something that they consider to be a special treat. What is it for you? For me, it is salted caramel…anything…but ice cream usually does the trick. I always make sure to have some in my freezer, not to eat the entire carton of course, but for those times I need a little pick me up. I am not promoting unhealthy comfort eating, or any sort of excessive dependency on food and other vices, of course, but after a long day I often think "I can't wait to have some ice cream and read the book I started and am enjoying." What is your treat? Make it something you can look forward to, almost like a reward for a job well done, at the end of a long day or week.
• Have weekday/weekend rituals. Having specific rituals during the week, and different ones on the weekend, can help you feel like you are doing something special for yourself. I have a friend who unapologetically goes to yoga on the weekends. She goes every weekend and rarely skips it to, say, meet for breakfast or sleep in, and it is how she puts herself at the top of her list. Maybe you only get the newspaper on Sundays so you can ease in the day slowly, drink coffee, and enjoy the paper. Maybe during the week you take an early morning walk, but on the weekend you like to get out and hike instead. Think about where you can mix up your weekend and weekday rituals so you feel like you are treating yourself during your down time.
• Tackle one "must do" early on. I admit there are two household chores I can't stand doing: laundry and changing my sheets. I can easily throw the laundry in the washer and dryer, but it is the folding and hanging that gets on my nerves. Likewise, taking the bed apart, and then putting it all back together is something that irritates me, even though I love the smell and feel of freshly washed sheets. I used to wait until the end of the week, or even the weekend, to do these chores, which made me want to do them even less. By changing it up, and doing both early in the week, I get the household jobs done early on so that I can have more time with family and friends, or just on my own, during the weekend. What chores can you fit in at different times of the week so that you have more time for yourself and your loved ones during your days off?
• Delegate. I know the people-pleaser in me often takes on more than I want to handle. Delegating tasks, whether it be household tasks you split with your partner or children, or tasks you face in your professional or volunteer life, allows you to disperse some of the responsibility so things don't just sit on your shoulders.

 

I hope you find these ten tips are easy to incorporate into your everyday life and can create new patterns of keeping your "give" tank full! Feel free to email me, post on the Facebook page or comment below on what small things you do everyday to keep your tank full.

Let's skip the in-between: How I just wanted her to read a Brene Brown book and everything would be okay

I admit I am pretty imperfect. I make my share of mistakes or mis-judge situations or just down right say or do something stupid from time to time. I like to think I own my imperfection and can be the first person who admits to being wrong. However, I sometimes have a hard time allowing others those imperfections as well.

I had gotten to know a woman over the past year who recently just moved out of state. I remember the first time I met her and we talked for over an hour. We got to know each other over time, and I found out that she was amidst a lot of change and turmoil in her life. Recently divorced, she moved out to Denver for a "fresh start" but things just weren't panning out. She had a short-lived romance with a man, her job was on rocky ground and she was battling some depression and anxiety. As the year progressed, our conversations almost solely revolved around her life circumstance. One day, I decided to tell her what I thought she should do about her life. "Just read anything by Brene Brown and you will totally be transformed and it will all be okay!" I leant her Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and looked forward to her amazing transformation after reading it.

One year later, the book was returned at my door with a note, "Wish I had read this before moving." Her life, over the past year I had known her, never improved; it only declined further, with more heartbreak, no steady income, barely making ends meet and a depression that kept in her bed often for 16 hours a day. And I thought one insightful book would do the trick to turn her life around. Because I couldn't allow her an imperfect life; I wanted her to have the same joy that I have in my life, with good friends, a caring family, pursuing my passion project and living a comfortable existence. However, after over my own 22 years of personal self-reflection and improvement, since I was 18 years old and discovered Deepak Chopra, I had forgotten that people can be imperfect, heck…they can even choose to live imperfectly! But within these imperfections, each individual has to know inside that s/he are worthy of a life worth living. One's family can say it, friends can say it, a lover can say it, a spouse can say it, one's own kids can say it, books can write about it…but each person needs to know it for him or herself.

I recently took a solo trip to Taos, NM. I popped in my Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith audiobook"Your Life's Purpose: Life Visioning Practices for Activating Your Highest Potential "as I drove from Pueblo to the turn off to Taos. Beckwith said something that I think about every time I awake in the middle of night to a panic attack about "what's next" in my own life. He reminded me something very, very important…that I am unique to this world, that there will never be anything or anyone like me again. No one like me came before, and no one like me will ever be here again. That is powerful stuff! And truthfully it isn't stuff that egos are made of. It is stuff that we are made of…acknowledging our true genuineness and ability to bring forth our own gifts into the world and face our own imperfections with grace and humility.

As much as I wished for my neighbor to know this for herself and her life, discovering this can only happen through her journey, your journey and through my own journey. But just when I feel doubtful, anxious or scared, I think how I have shaped even just my little sphere of life just by being alive and being me. Whether for the positive, or peppered with our many imperfections…all of us have made our own, authentic ripples into the waves of the universe, contributing our own personal gifts, our abilities to love and our resiliency through change and transition.

Breathing Space

I don't know about you, but I have always taken the idea of "spring cleaning" pretty seriously. Those first days where the sun is out, there is a light breeze but the weather is warming up, I open up the windows and start going through things. My closet, for sure, is the first place I tackle. I put those heavy winter sweaters away, tuck the boots in a box in the closet and bring out the lighter fabrics and open toed shoes, sandals and flip flops.

Over the past few years, I have made the concept of "spring cleaning" become "fall cleaning" and go through the same process. I put away the lighter weight fabrics, tuck the sandals and flip flops in the box in exchange for the boots, closed toe shoes and heavier fabrics, sweaters, pants and jeans. Yesterday was such a day to do so. My head was feeling cloudy and unfocused, the weather was cool and gloomy, and my closet/bedroom was starting to look like a small rat's nest, or perhaps the beginnings of hoarding (Don't worry, I won't be throwing out my greyhound in my Goodwill run!).

There are many benefits to cleaning out the clutter. I stumbled across an article at Shape's online magazine that covers many benefits, and these benefits coincide with the various aspects of self-care. The article cites various studies and journals that show this relationship:

• Physical Self-Care: Cleaning out the clutter can actually help you eat better! “Clutter is stressful for the brain, so you’re more likely to resort to coping mechanisms such as choosing comfort foods or overeating than if you spend time in neater surroundings." Not only that, but being more organized can help you stick to your workouts and even lose weight.
• Mental/Emotional Self-Care: Cleaning out the clutter can lead to less depression and stress. "Women who described their homes as 'cluttered' or full of 'unfinished projects' were more depressed, fatigued, and had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol than women who felt their homes were 'restful' and 'restorative'."
• Relational Self-Care: "Happy relationships with your partner and friends are key to warding off depression and disease, but a disorganized life can take a toll on these bonds. For couples, clutter can create tension and conflict and the time you spend looking for missing items can also take away from time you could be spending together."
• Professional Self-Care: Cleaning out the clutter can lead to higher productivity. “When you’re organized at work, you’re more productive and efficient, which means you’re able to finish at a reasonable time and go home. This leaves you with the time you need to exercise, prepare a healthy meal, relax, and get more sleep."

I know for myself, I am already feeling more relaxed and have more mental clarity. See the after picture? Wouldn't you feel better if your room looked like this rather than in a state of disarray? I know my greyhound does! 

A bonus question for you: Where in your home or work space could you clean out some clutter and gain more clarity? Is it as big as your entire house, or as small as a drawer? Do you live and work in your car, thus every food wrapper and stray pen has found a place nestled somewhere in the front or back seat? Does your work desk look as though a tornado passed through? Find where you need clarity, clear out the clutter and see how you feel!