Going into the Forest of the Soul

I made a decision recently to go off Facebook. Not just take a hiatus or a snooze from it but to delete my account and not make it a part of my everyday life. I have been one full day away from it and while I miss some of the connections most of them I realized were frivolous and kept me away from the work of my heart and soul. 

I found myself waking up in the morning and over coffee, instead of writing in my journal or listening to meditation music, I would pour through my Facebook account. Over time, many posts became shares of meme's instead of people's own thoughts or photos. Less actual photos, more images that I would end up seeing over and over again because people seemed to share the same thing. I felt like I needed to keep up in so many ways, but then I would see people in person (like work associates) and the false hood of an actual friendship would be there as we exchange our daily pleasantries but we all went our own ways for our work. 

After a while, the thin veil of friendship on Facebook becomes exposed and a false sense of friendship security shows up. Not in any malicious way...but I found that I would constantly be putting out there my happy and positive side, and couldn't express that shadow side that true friends are privy too. Not that everyone needs to know about one's shadow sides; however, isn't one of the true gifts of living to integrate your external and internal worlds where you show up how you are? I think so. So in my Facebook free life, my intention is to spend the time I would be checking it writing letters to friends, sending thoughtful texts, making a phone call to someone I hadn't spoken to in a while, sitting quietly, writing, and working on my own creative endeavors. I decided to keep Instagram because photography is one of my most great loves, and I like that I can create a beautiful portfolio of my favorite photos. I also realized I could spend any time on my work breaks I might spend checking Facebook maybe writing in my Blog, which I don't do quite as often as I would like. I love my Blog for what it brings me, the ability to write and post pictures and just be creative. I am happy to dive back into this venue again.

I was reminded recently of the beautiful work Desiderata by Max Ehrmann and it started to get me thinking more and more about going into the forest of my soul and getting lost in there, finding what truly makes me, well, me...who I am at my core and what I want to bring into this world. And so I plan to "Go Placidly Among the Noise and Haste and Remember What Peace There May Be in Silence".

A Change of Scenery Can Do a Soul Good

A few weeks ago I went to Taos, NM for a little vacation. I hadn't gifted myself true time away for a long time, not including my weekend trips to Denver and other little overnights. I got an Air BNB and for the cost of a long weekend at a hotel I stayed in a great little house with a yard for the entire week! It was so nice to have a home base, to unpack and settle in for a few days. It was also nice to have a house where Rene could just stay and hang out when I had something to get to that was not necessarily dog friendly.

Much of my time there was just snapping photos. One of my favorite things to do is just that...wherever I go on vacation I always have camera in hand. I love taking photos in New Mexico because the whole state feels like such a rich tapestry of colors, textures, earth, culture, lace, adobe, blues and reds and yellows....


For this post I wanted to share a few photos with you. My time away was refreshing and while always hard to come back from vacation I had a new sense of gusto for life. What does your soul need to revitalize it? It doesn't always need to be a week out of town. When I come back from vacation I always think about what made the trip so enjoyable and consider ways to bring those joys into my everyday life. Coming back from Taos for me it was to dress with a little more care and flair, to create more art, and to get myself out and about seeking little gems to photograph no matter where I am!

 

Daily Graces

Last night I hosted a Renew the Grieving heART creative workshop with one of my bereavement volunteers at HopeWest. She and I both have used creativity to help in our grief due to our spouses' passing. We had 5 participants and engaged in some reflective writing, and from that reflective writing we decorated and filled cups with self-care ideas, or things we hope for in the future. As we take care of others, and as many of us walk in the path of loss in one way or another, it is important we fill our cups with things we find nourishing. One of the participants used the concept of "Daily Graces." What daily graces do you need everyday to nourish your mind, body and soul?

Using creative means to walk the path of grief and loss is a way to open ourselves up to new parts of ourselves and to new experiences. It challenges us to see beauty in every day, even when facing the day feeling broken can be difficult. It allows us something to look forward to, and allows us to feel gratitude for the good in our lives. It can also give us increased self-esteem and can provide an outlet for emotions.

I had found this poem and thought it was a perfect one to share with the group as we began. Take some time and let the message of the poem sink into your soul.



Home is Where the Heart Is

If you have had any sort of conversation with me, you probably know I have been myself in transition and have probably talked to you about my ability or inability to make decisions. Last night, however, I had a bit of an epiphany, and the epiphany is this:

I left Denver for Delta for both work and a lifestyle that I knew I would love. A Denver native, I find I am nostalgic for the "old Denver" and not totally loving this growing city, where my favorite past haunts have closed for more upscale or hip places and traffic where driving 5 miles takes 30 minutes. Delta is a totally different world. It's slower, smaller, quieter; it has established roots and pretty fiercely devoted people. I can also drive to, get my grocery shopping done, and be home in less than 30 mins. Or drive 20 miles in 20 minutes.

But in Denver, I also moved from so many people that I love! And from my little condo that I grow more attached to each time I visit and enjoy the fact that it's mine, not a rental.  In Delta, I have made some wonderful new friends and my work allows me to engage with absolutely amazing clients who themselves work hard everyday to make sense out of life and death.

Last night, I got to thinking....do I really at this point need to "settle in" to one place? If the worst thing in the world is that I love of a lot of people in different places then let me say I am completely blessed! The only limitations I put on myself during this time of transition and change are my own limitations, or perhaps the influence of others' opinions. If I am defining "settled" in one box I am forgetting that there are many other definitions and ways to be "settled." Because what is life but a series of changes and transitions everyday anyway?

My all time favorite quote is by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, author, nun...

For me, I have an inkling that what I need to know is how to live, accept, and love fully in the moment. What does this quote say to you?

Lifting of the Fog

In grief counseling, there is the concept we talk about of the "grief fog." This is that part of the brain that slows down, or even shuts off, during times of stress to protect the person from extremely stressful or painful events. You may have heard of someone "feeling like they are outside of their body" or "I left my body" or "I can't remember what I did or said". Most likely it is due to a stressful event that it difficult to process. A part of grief's journey to healing the heart and soul is coming out of that fog and engaging in, feeling, and participating in life once again. It's finding joy in a newly created reality.

For myself, over the past 9 years since Mike died, I've come in and out of the fog, even now when I feel extra stress around decisions I don't want to make alone. But one thing I do in my own newly created reality (which is newly created every day it feels like!) is take myself out on adventures. In our 9 year marriage Mike and I loved to travel-we went to Budapest, Prague, London, Paris, and many states: California, Arizona, Alaska, Oregon, Washington, Illinois, Washington DC and across so much of Colorado. I made a determination after he died to not get stuck or stagnant by not changing up my life's scenery every so often. I travelled to Oregon by myself a few months after he died, went to San Antonio and have been to Arizona a number of times. New Mexico has by far been my favorite spot. He and I never went there together so it kind of feels like "my" inspiring little mecca. One of my favorite things to do is identify a Colorado town and just spend a night or two with my travel sidekick greyhound, Rene.

Rene and I moved to Delta, CO a few months ago so I could work in a job I have coveted for so long: as a bereavement coordinator for a hospice. I have each foot in two different worlds because of a decision-making fog I am trying to come out of. I own my condo in Denver, and I am renting in Delta, as I work part-time and can come and go back and forth. I like it, actually...I had always wanted a city home and country home! But it isn't the smartest thing financially to do. So, I am in the fog of deciding to sell or rent my condo, to keep renting in Delta or to buy, or to just stay put and see how things shake out over the next year.

My trips to Denver have been really fun. I see my family and spend time with friends. I do love my little condo so I enjoy the huge kitchen, sit on the balcony, and take walks in the nice parks nearby. It is a nice break and my "home away from home" or however that may look in this situation. I hadn't actually spent time though in other towns since I moved. I had hoped to get to New Mexico but now it is so hot I think I will wait until the fall. Late in the week I decided it was time to enjoy a Colorado town and decided on Carbondale, CO. It is only about 2 hours if you meander from Delta and I love the little Main Street. So Rene and I threw a few belongings in my well-travelled Subaru and headed over McClure Pass.

Another thing I have begun to enjoy is taking photographs. I love capturing images from my travels as a way to keep inspiring me, and also to capture things that may not be photographed often. My photos are in a way my own little legacy of my life after Mike. These are some I have taken along the way from Delta to Carbondale. Maybe photos are a way for me to continue my journey out of the fog to document where I have been so I will always remember.