Death anniversaries

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. 

They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." - Writer Anne Lamott

This Sunday marks my late husband Mike's seven year death anniversary. Seven years seems like a lifetime ago, yet I can still remember things as though they happened yesterday. Lots has changed in my life in seven years:

• I changed careers, pursuing another Master's degree. 
• The house we bought together I sold as I embarked on new journeys in Montrose, Delta and Grand Junction. 
• Our beloved labrador retrievers Chester and Stan took their last breaths during their 12th year of life. 
• I made further career changes and bought a condo in a part of town we had only known as the air force base. Mike would be amazed how much this area has grown.

Yet, other things still sit with me in the wee, small hours of the night. Mike had been my best friend, and losing a best friend is not something easily "gotten over."As his anniversary looms, so do many feelings: Sadness of not living the life we had originally planned together, loneliness that after a day's work there isn't someone to eat dinner with and talk about the day. But, as seven years approaches, I am filled with positive feelings, too. It hasn't been easy, but I have been able to accomplish a lot in the time he was gone that I am proud of:

• A degree in social work.
• Being brave enough to move away to discover new adventures, new people, a new way of living. 
• The bravery it has taken to pursue Soulful Transitions and also, the bravery to finally claim "artist" when I describe myself. 
• Crossing paths with my beautiful greyhound and becoming a little twosome together.
• I have made many new friends and have gotten to know them as "the me now" rather than "the me then", leading me to fulfilling and enjoyable new friendships while continuing to cherish the old ones.
• Owning a home that is decorated in a way where I feel like I am wrapped in a  big hug everyday.

I see my "old self" fused in my "new self", and have been privileged to realize life is a series of choices, challenges, and joyful occasions, that all come together and weave a tapestry.

When facing the anniversary of a death loss - the day and those days leading up to it don't come and go easily. Grief holds itself in us: Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. So, what can we do when we face these anniversaries?

• Self-care is key to facing any loss anniversary. Grief has "muscle memory" in a sense and can come out of what seems like nowhere but in fact has been living in your body, mind, spirit and heart. You may begin to feel anxious, short-tempered, or easily saddened as an anniversary approaches. If you can, take note of any such feelings or emotions around the time of the anniversary. Engaging in self-care allows you to nurture those parts of you that may still be holding the grief.
• Give yourself permission to honor your loved one. Mainstream culture is so uncomfortable with uncomfortable feelings that people want to move you through your grief quickly. But, your grief is yours alone, so permit yourself to honor your loved one and not listen to those people who want to shoo you quickly along grief's path.
• Set boundaries around your time and what you say "yes" or "no" to during the weeks that lead up to the anniversary. The litmus test I use is to receive the invitation, sit with it for a minute, and then decide how I feel about it. Would this event be life giving or soul comforting during this time? Would it bring much needed emotional release? Or is it an obligatory event and only feelings of ambivalence arise when thinking about it? You want to ensure for yourself that the anniversary is honored how you want to honor it.

Honoring your loved one during a death anniversary can come in many forms:

• Get together with family/friends and enjoy a favorite meal of your loved one and share stories about him/her.
• Visit the gravesite and bring a nice bouquet of flowers.
• Engage in a ritual of some sort: Walk a labyrinth, do a burning bowl ritual, or listen to your loved one's favorite music.
• Go on a hike or take a walk in a garden or other place that brings you comfort or may remind you of him/her.
• Hunker in and have a "movie marathon", laughing and crying with all your loved ones (and your) favorite movies.
• Take time throughout the day to sit quietly and reflect on his/her life.

As for me, I am watching for those signs that grief's "muscle memory" is kicking in and napping when I am tired, exercising every day, staying hydrated and if I feel irritable staying clear of phone conversations with friends or family until the irritability passes. I plan to buy a nice fall plant to put on Mike's grave before Sunday for others who may visit to enjoy, too. I don't know yet what that day will look like, but I am giving myself permission to fashion it however I want. 

"Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom." - Rumi