The trees are coming into
leaf
Like something almost being
said;
The recent buds relax and
spread,
Their greenness is a kind of
grief.
Is it that they are born
again
And we grow old? No, they
die too,
Their yearly trick of
looking new
Is written down in rings of
grain.
Yet still the unresting
castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every
May.
Last year is dead, they seem
to say,
Begin afresh, afresh,
afresh. - Philip Larkin
Every year, I feel like I have been waiting for spring for all my life. The grays and browns of winter begin to take their toll in the early days of March, when snowflakes still fall and the green blades of grass peeking out of their dormancy are covered in a light frost. Trees are still brown with no signs of life, and often by March I am feeling like my own signs of life are lost in the gray days.
By late March and early April I am woken up by the buds on the trees, the lilac bushes coming to life, the bulbs bursting forth from the earth their crocus, tulip, hyacinth, and daffodil splendor. My fingers are always crossed that there will not be a freeze or heavy snow to stop the visual signs of life spewing forth. Some years the finger crossing works, other years the heavy snows may break branches but the extensive moisture brings forth a more vibrant spring than ever imagined.
In this dichotomy of life, I also find the grips of grief around my heart. The past few years the grip is loosened more and gives me more room to breathe...but it is still there as I remember this time of year as a married woman, a homeowner, planning vacations and all the house projects and spending meaningful time with my now deceased spouse.
We used to take our dogs for long walks in the neighborhood after work or on weekends when the light of day began to last longer and the mornings were warmer and not so chilly. We would notice the crocus, the tulips, the other bulbs and landscapes coming to life. We would start talking of our plans for our own landscape and yard, seeing what our neighbors have done that we liked and noticing what we would do different. I begin visiting garden stores or just make that quick trip to Home Depot to spend just a little bit of money on some porch friendly plants that I could bring inside in case there was another freeze. And then May would come and, after Mother's Day, we would have nature's official "OK" to plant and landscape after the final frost.
But, I noticed something different the past few years. I no longer have that spouse, I am no longer in that same home, and I no longer have a yard to landscape. I live in a community where much of the landscape isn't personal; it is pre-planned by our "Master Association" and many people do more on their patios than in their yards. I have developed a love for my condominium balcony, where I start itching to clean the debris from the winter, plant pots and and get it all ready for long nights sitting out on it. Although I don't see many bulbs popping up, my community does a great job planting annuals and such for beautiful community gardens all summer. I coincide my morning walks with the vibrancy of the sunrise that hovers over open spaces and skies where I live. My condo has extensive natural light so I enjoy the light coming in the many windows and not having to turn on any artificial bulbs.
Seasons changing are a time for holding…holding the tensions between past and present, holding memories with living in the moment, holding that space of what if versus what is, holding grief and letting it go….
As spring settles itself into our souls for the time being, here are some questions you can ask yourself to get through any unsettling feelings related to seasons changing…
1) Where do you feel most connected right now? Where do you feel disconnected? How can you feel connected to those aspects of life where you are skimming the surface?
2) Seasons always indicate change. During this season, what can you develop for yourself that will bring newness to your life?
3) What do you need to resolve in your life that you need to let go of?
4) What joys in your life will this new season bring forth?
