I recently have been coming out of a fog that lasted
probably almost 8 years. I sometimes call it “the grief fog” where you are in
the middle between the past and the future due to the death of a loved one. The
fog that I was living in became my story for most of these years. The death of
my husband Mike at his young age of 36 when I was 33 became the story for which I
defined my life. I was living in a story that prompted decisions that I made
along the way. For example, I became a hospice social worker because I was
trying to make sense of his death. I thought maybe that was the reason I
experienced this loss-to help others going through the same thing. I got
attached to my story either to replay all that occurred; tell it to justify why
I was doing what I was doing; tell the story because I wanted to go back to
when life was “perfect”; or NOT tell the story because I didn’t want people to
think certain things about me or pity me. Let’s face it: my story kept me stuck.
Stuck in his death. Stuck in what I no longer had. Stuck feeling like the best
years of my life were over and the future was long, dull and bleak.
Lucky for me and my story, I went through this in
conjunction with efforts in spiritual growth. Having grown up Catholic, I just
couldn’t find in only that religion the answers to the bigger picture I was
seeking. Having always appreciated the world’s religions and the threads of
commonality among them, I became a student of more modern takes on life,
spirituality, interconnection and the afterworld. I became a reader of many
authors and spiritual leaders who write about self-actualization, spirituality,
finding your purpose, mindful living and my connection to the greater universe.
Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, Deepak Chopra, Mastin Kipp, Brene Brown, Michael
Beckwith, Iyanla Vanzant and so many others have books on my shelves or
bookmarks on my Internet browser.
I love quotes because they often can capture what is
sometimes a difficult overall concept to wrap the brain around. A lot of my
favorite writers talk about how we tell our stories in their work. I decided
for this blog post I would denote a few that have impacted me.
Dr. Brene Brown: “Owning our story and loving ourselves
through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
Mastin Kipp: “A setback is not a reason to stop. Setbacks
are powerful lessons that test your faith, grow your confidence and make you a
stronger person. Learn the lesson and get back on track.”
Iyanla Vanzant: “When you stand and share your story in an
empowering way your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody
else.”
Dr. Wayne Dyer: “Change the way you see things and the
things you see will change.”
Tim Storey: “A comeback isn’t a go back.”
A lot of people talk about stories and how we learn from our
past and “write a new ending” to our story. I actually don’t see things that
way. I like to look at our stories as ongoing chapters…"The Never Ending Story”
if you will. I can look back to chapter 4 and peruse the story about a great
marriage to a good man. I can fast forward to chapter 6 where I read about his
terminal illness and death. I can go to chapter 9 and read about the heroine’s
new artistic pursuits as she follows her heart and soul. And then I can keep
writing my story! Maybe chapter 11 a new love enters the picture. Maybe chapter
12 has a new challenge this heroine has to face. But because life goes on, I won’t be the one who actually writes an ending even when the ending comes.
Consider these questions for yourself:
- Where in your life are you “stuck in your story?” Why might you be stuck? Is it because you want to go back and fix what happened in the past but fixing what already occurred is out of reach? Are you trying to make a change in your life but fear is keeping you attached to your story and making change is that much harder?
- What are some of your favorite chapters in your story? What are some chapters that leave you feeling compassion toward the main character? What are some chapters you want to delete but that that button isn't functioning on your computer keyboard?
- In writing a new chapter what life will it take on? Is it a chapter on romance? A thriller? A tear-jerker? What "bridge" can you make between your past or current story to your new story?
Iyanla Vanzant’s quote above has influenced me in the way I
see my own story. What does telling a story in an empowering way mean? It could
mean that you own what happened, you tell it from the perspective of having
learned from it and you give hope to others who may be going through similar
stories of shame, grief or fear. For me, I realized my story is an important
part of my newfound creatively focused life. My photography, for example, comes
from the commitment I made to myself after Mike died to keep having adventures
as he would want me to. The photos I take are from these adventures and show
parts of life that maybe other people might miss. My little boxes, as another
example, came from having been through my own “dark nights of the soul” and how
positive inspirations have been one tool to get me through.
Now that my fog is
lifting, I see my story with new eyes and actually look forward to and am
excited by the anticipation of the next chapter. Where can you unstick yourself from your story and see what opens up for your new chapter?
