Lifting of the Fog

In grief counseling, there is the concept we talk about of the "grief fog." This is that part of the brain that slows down, or even shuts off, during times of stress to protect the person from extremely stressful or painful events. You may have heard of someone "feeling like they are outside of their body" or "I left my body" or "I can't remember what I did or said". Most likely it is due to a stressful event that it difficult to process. A part of grief's journey to healing the heart and soul is coming out of that fog and engaging in, feeling, and participating in life once again. It's finding joy in a newly created reality.

For myself, over the past 9 years since Mike died, I've come in and out of the fog, even now when I feel extra stress around decisions I don't want to make alone. But one thing I do in my own newly created reality (which is newly created every day it feels like!) is take myself out on adventures. In our 9 year marriage Mike and I loved to travel-we went to Budapest, Prague, London, Paris, and many states: California, Arizona, Alaska, Oregon, Washington, Illinois, Washington DC and across so much of Colorado. I made a determination after he died to not get stuck or stagnant by not changing up my life's scenery every so often. I travelled to Oregon by myself a few months after he died, went to San Antonio and have been to Arizona a number of times. New Mexico has by far been my favorite spot. He and I never went there together so it kind of feels like "my" inspiring little mecca. One of my favorite things to do is identify a Colorado town and just spend a night or two with my travel sidekick greyhound, Rene.

Rene and I moved to Delta, CO a few months ago so I could work in a job I have coveted for so long: as a bereavement coordinator for a hospice. I have each foot in two different worlds because of a decision-making fog I am trying to come out of. I own my condo in Denver, and I am renting in Delta, as I work part-time and can come and go back and forth. I like it, actually...I had always wanted a city home and country home! But it isn't the smartest thing financially to do. So, I am in the fog of deciding to sell or rent my condo, to keep renting in Delta or to buy, or to just stay put and see how things shake out over the next year.

My trips to Denver have been really fun. I see my family and spend time with friends. I do love my little condo so I enjoy the huge kitchen, sit on the balcony, and take walks in the nice parks nearby. It is a nice break and my "home away from home" or however that may look in this situation. I hadn't actually spent time though in other towns since I moved. I had hoped to get to New Mexico but now it is so hot I think I will wait until the fall. Late in the week I decided it was time to enjoy a Colorado town and decided on Carbondale, CO. It is only about 2 hours if you meander from Delta and I love the little Main Street. So Rene and I threw a few belongings in my well-travelled Subaru and headed over McClure Pass.

Another thing I have begun to enjoy is taking photographs. I love capturing images from my travels as a way to keep inspiring me, and also to capture things that may not be photographed often. My photos are in a way my own little legacy of my life after Mike. These are some I have taken along the way from Delta to Carbondale. Maybe photos are a way for me to continue my journey out of the fog to document where I have been so I will always remember.