Facing Change

I recently took a long weekend for a Western Slope road trip, re-visiting all my favorite places from when I lived in Montrose a few years ago. One of my stops was the Dennis Weaver Memorial Park in Ridgway. There is a beautiful park with a prayer stone center and a soaring eagle statue in the middle. The prayer stones are meant to be stacked, usually in three, with a prayer or a wish tied to the stack. I had visited this park a number of times when I lived nearby and made prayer stone stacks for a number of different reasons: To pray for a peaceful heart amidst the transition of moving to a new town; to pray for strength as I faced many challenging patient situations as a hospice social worker; or to wish for meeting new people and making new friends in my community. Two stacks were created that were also very special to me. In July of 2014, I had to put my elderly dogs Chester and Stanley down, within one week of each other, due to health issues that couldn't be resolved. I didn't want to spread their ashes on the Western Slope, as I knew I wouldn't be living there long term and would want to spread their ashes where I could go and visit. I had decided instead to build a prayer stone stack for each of them, so I would have a place to go when I wanted to remember them, and spread their ashes at a later date when I felt more settled.

I built two prayer stone stacks, and put them side by side on a rock toward the back of the park. Occasionally, before I moved back to Denver, I would drive to the park and meditate on Chester and Stanley's prayer stones. On this past road trip, I revisited at the park the rock on which I had placed their stones, and found that the stones were not there. Instead, they had fallen over and were scattered around the large stone that had once held the stacks. My initial feeling was annoyance…why weren't these stones exactly where had I placed them two years ago? I also felt the strong urge to stack them back, once again in Chester and Stanley's memories, and put them back "where they belong."

And then I thought again. The stones were exactly where they needed to be. This was a part of life-these stones were placed in a certain way before, and then something happened and they are no longer placed where I had initially intended them. They were now where the universe had landed them. Maybe a chipmunk knocked them over; maybe a snow storm or melting snow forced them off the rock. Whatever happened that made these stones no longer in the shape I had intended was the new intention for those stones.

So, I left them where they were because that is where they needed to be. I thought about the journey these stones will take next. Might they get further embedded into the ground, becoming a part of the ever expansive layers of the earth? Maybe someone else will pick them up to create their own prayer stone stacks? Much like life, these stones experienced inevitable change. And in observing where these stones were upon my visit, versus where I had intended them to be, I embraced that change is inevitable in my life and the lives of other as well. 

Where in your life have you experienced change or shifting? What feelings come up for you around that change? Have you been frustrated as I had been seeing these stones in a different formation, or did you embrace the change? Where in your life can you let go a little? For me, I needed to let go of wanting to "fix it", or put it back to "where it was before". This experience was a metaphor for how I have moved through my grief at times, understandably: Wanting my husband back, wanting my life back the "way it was before". But these stones symbolized for me that I am in a place of stepping in to what is now. What is happening now? What does life look like now? In what ways, large or small, can you embrace accepting change, accepting where you are now, in light of your past and considering your future, as you move through times of transition, loss and change?

Death anniversaries

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. 

They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." - Writer Anne Lamott

This Sunday marks my late husband Mike's seven year death anniversary. Seven years seems like a lifetime ago, yet I can still remember things as though they happened yesterday. Lots has changed in my life in seven years:

• I changed careers, pursuing another Master's degree. 
• The house we bought together I sold as I embarked on new journeys in Montrose, Delta and Grand Junction. 
• Our beloved labrador retrievers Chester and Stan took their last breaths during their 12th year of life. 
• I made further career changes and bought a condo in a part of town we had only known as the air force base. Mike would be amazed how much this area has grown.

Yet, other things still sit with me in the wee, small hours of the night. Mike had been my best friend, and losing a best friend is not something easily "gotten over."As his anniversary looms, so do many feelings: Sadness of not living the life we had originally planned together, loneliness that after a day's work there isn't someone to eat dinner with and talk about the day. But, as seven years approaches, I am filled with positive feelings, too. It hasn't been easy, but I have been able to accomplish a lot in the time he was gone that I am proud of:

• A degree in social work.
• Being brave enough to move away to discover new adventures, new people, a new way of living. 
• The bravery it has taken to pursue Soulful Transitions and also, the bravery to finally claim "artist" when I describe myself. 
• Crossing paths with my beautiful greyhound and becoming a little twosome together.
• I have made many new friends and have gotten to know them as "the me now" rather than "the me then", leading me to fulfilling and enjoyable new friendships while continuing to cherish the old ones.
• Owning a home that is decorated in a way where I feel like I am wrapped in a  big hug everyday.

I see my "old self" fused in my "new self", and have been privileged to realize life is a series of choices, challenges, and joyful occasions, that all come together and weave a tapestry.

When facing the anniversary of a death loss - the day and those days leading up to it don't come and go easily. Grief holds itself in us: Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. So, what can we do when we face these anniversaries?

• Self-care is key to facing any loss anniversary. Grief has "muscle memory" in a sense and can come out of what seems like nowhere but in fact has been living in your body, mind, spirit and heart. You may begin to feel anxious, short-tempered, or easily saddened as an anniversary approaches. If you can, take note of any such feelings or emotions around the time of the anniversary. Engaging in self-care allows you to nurture those parts of you that may still be holding the grief.
• Give yourself permission to honor your loved one. Mainstream culture is so uncomfortable with uncomfortable feelings that people want to move you through your grief quickly. But, your grief is yours alone, so permit yourself to honor your loved one and not listen to those people who want to shoo you quickly along grief's path.
• Set boundaries around your time and what you say "yes" or "no" to during the weeks that lead up to the anniversary. The litmus test I use is to receive the invitation, sit with it for a minute, and then decide how I feel about it. Would this event be life giving or soul comforting during this time? Would it bring much needed emotional release? Or is it an obligatory event and only feelings of ambivalence arise when thinking about it? You want to ensure for yourself that the anniversary is honored how you want to honor it.

Honoring your loved one during a death anniversary can come in many forms:

• Get together with family/friends and enjoy a favorite meal of your loved one and share stories about him/her.
• Visit the gravesite and bring a nice bouquet of flowers.
• Engage in a ritual of some sort: Walk a labyrinth, do a burning bowl ritual, or listen to your loved one's favorite music.
• Go on a hike or take a walk in a garden or other place that brings you comfort or may remind you of him/her.
• Hunker in and have a "movie marathon", laughing and crying with all your loved ones (and your) favorite movies.
• Take time throughout the day to sit quietly and reflect on his/her life.

As for me, I am watching for those signs that grief's "muscle memory" is kicking in and napping when I am tired, exercising every day, staying hydrated and if I feel irritable staying clear of phone conversations with friends or family until the irritability passes. I plan to buy a nice fall plant to put on Mike's grave before Sunday for others who may visit to enjoy, too. I don't know yet what that day will look like, but I am giving myself permission to fashion it however I want. 

"Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom." - Rumi

How are you in times of crisis?

Last week, I got to test my crisis capability and I failed…miserably.

I was walking my greyhound one morning to meet up with a friend who has a greyhound, too. We have been working on their "hello" as it can be very exuberant at times. On this day, as we were slowly approaching each other, my friend's greyhound's excitement got the best of her and she did what we call "The Kangaroo" where she lunged up on her hind legs, her front legs up in the air. Somehow she got caught by the leash and went flying into the air with a horrible sounding "thud" on the concrete.

The greyhound just laid there, staring at us, and I swore she broke her back or at the very worst…was dying. We weren't far from my place so, as I heaved "Oh My God, Oh My God…I will go get the car... you stay here, Oh My God," and my greyhound and I went running as fast as we could to get my car (well, not as fast as she could as it would have been 45MPH…). I dropped her off, drove up the street to where the incident occurred, and found my friend and her greyhound standing on the sidewalk, the greyhound walking around with her tail wagging and didn't look as though anything had occurred.

We decided to take her to the emergency vet anyway, just to be on the safe side. The vet checked her out and found nothing amiss-no broken bones, vitals all good, and he let us go on our way. As the adrenaline slowed I realized just how much I lost my cool. "I'm sorry for how I reacted," I told my friend. She of course was very understanding and herself pretty shaken up. But I couldn't help but spend the day reflecting on how I reacted to this crisis situation.

How do you react in a crisis situation? Are you level headed and steady, or do you experience extremes of fight or flight? As I reflected on this for myself, I decided to do some research around ways to handle crisis situations. Here is what I came up with from a variety of sources:

1) Take a few calming, deep breaths and get oriented to the situation
2) Remain calm
3) Ensure the safety of everyone involved
4) Evaluate and assess the situation
5) Delegate who should do what to assist (Maybe someone nearby is certified in CPR, maybe someone has a cell phone to call emergency responders, etc)
6) Follow through until the crisis has been handled
7) Don't be afraid to question the plan and revise the plan as things occur

However, it is easy to write out these steps but sometimes difficult to do. We all have our own innate reactions and our own immediate responses to situations. I came across this article and realized most people don't act as calmly in a situation as they think they might…

Crisis! How Would You Respond?

In the article, this caught my attention: "Experts say the ability to live in the moment-and react based strictly on what is present-is among the most important factors in handling a crisis of any type."

Living in the present moment is a hard thing to do for many people, including myself. Our minds often steer us in the direction of worst case scenarios, anxiety about the future, or regrets around past decisions. "Present moment awareness" is something we all could work on in our daily lives so that, in times of crisis, we can approach the situation a bit calmer instead of making assumptions or thinking of the worst. To assist in obtaining "present moment awareness" the most important thing we can do is take time out for some deep breathing to allow us to be centered in the moment. From there, our reactions could be more level-headed as well as helpful and realistic. Deep, intentional breathing (often known as "Diaphragmatic Breathing") is one of those remedies for pretty much anything and is center to living in the present moment.

"Life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quickly you hardly catch it going." - Tennessee Williams

Self-care in times of transition

I recently experienced a spectrum of transition and change through situations of friends and family, all in this order:

• A good friend's healthy and vibrant husband died in his sleep from a heart attack, leaving her with 3 sons to care for
• My parents got into a car accident, leaving my mom in the hospital and then weeks of recovering at home
• A very dear friend moved out of state
• Another friend is expecting a baby 

As I sat at my friend's baby shower, I reflected on the previous few weeks of transition, change and loss in my own life. I juxtaposed those times to sitting at House of Commons teahouse with a beaming mother-to-be, surrounded by excited family and friends, ready to celebrate a new life and a new future for her family.

In all cases, self-care is first and foremost when experiencing times of transition. For my friend who lost her husband, I knew the one thing I could do is encourage her self-care during the whirlwind of visitors, the funeral and the emotional aftermath she is left to make sense of. For my mom, self-care has been very important in her recovery. For my friend who moved out of state, self-care has been needed during the stressful and messy process of packing, cleaning, driving the moving truck, unpacking, settling in to a new place and getting her feet under her in her new town. For my friend who is about to have a baby, self-care will help her to remain calm in the face of the changes a new baby can bring.

While it sounds self-explanatory, I think self-care is often mis-understood. We tend to pile on ourselves all of our shoulds: I should put my kids first; I should work overtime to make a good impression on the boss; I should do-it-all with a smile so people think I have it together. However, time and time again we are reminded of the airline oxygen mask metaphor: "In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you are are traveling with a minor, please put on your own mask before helping the minor." What this translates to is…you are no good to anybody if you are gasping for your own air.

Self-care is the intentional care for oneself in order to reduce stress and be in harmony with the situations you are facing. Self-care categories and examples include:

• Physical self-care - Such as exercising, eating healthy meals and getting regular sleep
• Emotional self-care - Such as laughing, crying, expressing feelings and doing things that bring comfort
• Psychological self-care - Such as taking breaks from technology, going on a mini-vacation and practicing meditation
• Spiritual self-care - Such as praying, going to church, reading inspiring literature, spending time in nature and cherishing optimism and hope
• Relational self-care - Such as setting boundaries, spending time with people who really understand you and doing things you enjoy rather than out of obligation
• Professional self-care - Such as taking breaks throughout the day, arrange workspace so it is comfortable and soothing and seeking out peer support or supervision

As activist and writer Audrey Lorde is often quoted saying, "Self-care isn't about self-indulgence…it's about self-preservation."

As you move through the week, think about how you can incorporate self-care into your daily routine. What little things can you do for yourself to ensure your oxygen mask is on good and tight so you can be there for everyone else? 

• Maybe you forget to drink water throughout the day leaving you feeling sluggish and headachy…so make it easy for yourself to remember to drink that water by stashing filled water bottles throughout your office, car and home. 
• Maybe you hit the snooze button one too many times making you late for work and stressed in your mornings…so each morning plan to do something enjoyable just for yourself that will motivate you to not hit the snooze button. 
• Maybe you get so engrossed at work you only step away from your desk for a bathroom break…why don't you take some time to walk at lunch and refresh your brain.
• Say "no" if you really don't want to go to an event rather than go out of obligation.
• Revive your spirit with a hot bath or shower with your favorite scented soap. 
• Enjoy time in nature or in a vibrant garden.

Self-care doesn't have to seem as extreme as an emergency on an airplane with oxygen masks falling from the ceiling; it can be as easy as regular meals, regular sleep and getting outside in nature. Then, when you face all the transitions and change that life throws your way, you will be ready for it.

Thank you for visiting!

Hello! Thanks for stopping by my blog. The goal of Soulful Transitions is to bring together creativity and support around life's changes and transitions, whether it is grieving the death of a loved one, divorce or having lost a job. I offer individual grief support either in person or over the phone/skype, as well as periodic workshops and retreats focusing on how self-care, gratitude, and giving back to others during times of transition can help you grow through transition rather than stay stuck. The purpose of my blog is to showcase writings, articles, videos, quotes, pictures…you name it…that brings some inspiration to you during times of change and transition.

Soulful Transitions has been something I have wanted to launch for a few years now. Like many of you, I have gone through a number of transitions in life including a big one…the untimely death of my husband. My most recent transition was quitting a secure job and career to pursue grief support and artistic endeavors full time. I was scared to get out of a "secure" routine and career path to try something on my own. As a single woman taking care of herself, I have faced many sleepless nights of worry…worry about whether I can pay the bills, worry about whether I can have a quality of life I enjoy, worry over what other people would think of me if I were to jump into something that wasn't "a sure thing." Would people think me reckless? What if I failed? Would I get "I told you so" from everyone I know?

However, using my own principles of self-care and gratitude, I found myself working through the doubts and into heart centered affirmation that Soulful Transitions is the gift I want to share with the world. Like a beautiful garden, it takes time to cultivate and pay attention to what makes our lives worth living and how we want to walk through this life. It takes patience to pull the weeds that may keep us stuck in the past and re-telling old stories to let new seedlings find the light to grow. Making our way through transition can often feel as though we just inherited a garden that hasn't been tended to...with overgrown weeds, prickly landscape, but with beautiful flowers embedded within. It takes work to cut back the weeds, turn the prickly landscape into soft groundcover, and keep the flowers blooming. I hope I can help you through this process to "use your tears of sadness to cultivate a garden of possibilities."

Take a minute, enjoy this garden. See that bench by its side? Imagine this is your garden, that is your bench, and all that you put into tending that garden...imagine it is your life you tended to during this time of transition. Sit on your bench and observe how the vibrant colors play against the rich greens. The vibrancy of your life is there during this time as well…you just need time, patience and love to make your way through.

Hopefully you find refuge in Soulful Transitions as you make your way through grief, loss, and transformative change. I look forward to hearing from you whether it be through comments on my blog or in person through the "contact me" section. You can also subscribe to my blog for free to get updated posts.