Maintaining Inner Peace in Times of Conflict

Has this happened to you? You are spending some time perusing Facebook. You are scrolling through your newsfeed from your various friends who all have their own opinions. You see a post about something you disagree with; you leave a comment. Someone else targets a comment toward you; your blood begins to boil, you get angry and leave an angrier comment back. You begin thinking to yourself, “How can this person even think this way?” You come across other posts you don’t agree with and pretty much you are in a fury of frustration, your physical body in a state of fight-or-flight and your emotional self wracked with self-righteous feelings that you are the right one in these posts and the other person just needs to see the light.

This happened to me recently, or a version of it anyway. Just starting to come down from an energizing and charged weekend participating in the Women’s March on Denver, I sat down excitedly to post my photos to Facebook. In the process of doing so, posts came through my newsfeed on the other side of the coin, condemning the march or with offensive meme’s toward people who participated in the march and policies that the march stood for. My anxiety increased, my heart beat faster, and I could feel the heat rising in my face. “How dare someone question the viability of this march! They are obviously wrong and I am right!” I proceeded to write a post to “All my FB friends who think I am whining about the election…” and continued to feel physically and emotionally charged up throughout the rest of the day.

We all have lost our cool when faced with other people’s differing opinions than our own. However, there is another way, and that way is to find inner peace. I know I went off the rails of the inner peace train when I started becoming self-righteous. In essence, self-righteousness is the idea that “I am right and you are wrong.” It negates the other person’s perspective, it leads the thinker to feelings of superiority, and it continues perpetuating the conflict that is occurring and feelings of anger and resentment. The Huffington Post, in its article about self-righteousness, writes about the irrational thinking that is behind it:

All-or-nothing thinking: When one sees things in black-and-white terms and has very limited vision. If something, someone, or some belief falls short of what this individual sees as perfect, he or she sees it as worthless or a total failure.

Over-generalizations: People who over generalize take a single negative incident and exaggerate it. These individuals have a lot of use for words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “no one,” extreme words that by themselves can create radical thinking.

Mental filters: This is when a person picks one or a few negative events and dwells on them to make them look much bigger, darkening his or her vision of reality. 

Discounting the positive: This is when the person rejects anything positive related to a situation, thinking that the positives “don’t really matter.”

Jumping to conclusions: This is when a person comes up with conclusions when there are no logical, scientific, or unbiased facts to support those conclusions.

“Should” statements: This is when a person tells herself that everyone and everything “should” be the way she thinks, functions and is comfortable with. People who make a lot of personal “should” statements usually experience a lot of negative emotions like guilt and frustration, or even anxiety. Should statements that are directed at other people, or at the world in general, lead to anger and frustration (e.g., “He shouldn’t think like this”).

Maintaining inner peace, however, is one way to help yourself through times of conflict, where you just want the other person to agree with you and all will be well. Pema Chodran describes inner peace simply and beautifully:

Some ways you can maintain your inner peace during any type of conflict include:

• Step away from the screen! If you are in front of your social media and start feeling your blood heat up, get up, go outside, pet your dog or cat, have a snack, drink a glass of water…then come back to it later and see how you feel.
• Engage in diaphragmatic breathing: Hold one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly and make your belly soft, like a bowl full of jelly. Feel your inward breath pass through your chest and into your belly. Exhale from your belly and feel it pass through your chest. Do this a few times while sitting at your computer, before that meeting where you might have to defend yourself or a decision you made, or any other time where conflict might arise.
• Find an outlet that is completely fun where opinions don’t matter. There is a phone puzzle game I play called Ruzzle. Some of my opponents are my friends and others are people I don’t know; I keep the interaction to the puzzle only and take frustrations out by trying to beat their scores each time!
• Get outside. Touch nature. Look at the sky and the stars. Watch a sunrise and sunset. Ground yourself back to the idea that we are all interconnected on this planet and only here for a very short time.

Further, to keep your self-righteousness in check…

• Invite one person from a different perspective to coffee to discuss one issue you don’t see eye to eye on. Set some rules, share your thoughts, and see if you can list what you do agree on rather than don’t.
• Pick up a book or read an article about issues from the perspective of the other side.
• Send a card to that FB friend or family member who doesn’t see things the way you do that you still appreciate them even though you don’t always agree.

The beauty about life is…we can try to do it differently the next time!

Hope in Times of Uncertainty and Change

On a large scale, our nation (impacting the global community) is on the edge of transition and change, with the Obama Administration winding down and the Trump Administration revving up. I admit that I have gotten teary eyed thinking about the Obama family transition out of the White House. And also a little teary when Mr. President gave Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom. No matter the side of the aisle on which you sit or stand, there are compelling emotions when we see change and transitions happening on this large of a scale.

With change and transition, there is a level of uncertainty and fear. Often, this uncertainty and fear then comes out of us in ways that are not becoming to ourselves or our nation as a whole. People have lost friendships over this upcoming transition. Hate speech and hate crimes are reported more and more in the media. People are dismissive of each other and don't listen to what others, especially those on the other side of the aisle, have to say. When acting out of fear, there is a tendency to hide the fear under a blanket of anger to hide the real feelings that fear can bring up, such as anxiety or sadness.

There is another way we can gracefully face uncertain times of change and transition. That way is having hope. No matter who you voted for, most everyone during this time has hope for what is next for this country and the world.

What exactly is hope? 

• The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines hope as: 1) to cherish a desire with anticipation :  to want something to happen or be true 2) to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment. 
• According to Psychology Today,"Hope is not a brand new concept in psychology. In 1991, the eminent positive psychologist Charles R. Snyder and his colleagues came up with Hope Theory. According to their theory, hope consists of agency and pathways.  The person who has hope has the will and determination that goals will be achieved, and a set of different strategies at their disposal to reach their goals. Put simply: hope involves the will to get there, and different ways to get there"(www.psychologytoday.com).
• Christianity also teaches us that hope is one of the three theological virtues: Faith, Hope and Love.
• Finally, one of my favorites is from Emily Dickinson: 

The many definitions of hope can help us approach times of transition and change, especially when these times feel uncertain, or the change happens against your desires. Maybe you are facing a transition that is unwelcome: a job loss, a divorce, a death loss, financial disruption…where in this unwelcome transition can you find hope? Likewise, if the change is welcome and you have positive anticipation for what is next, what hopes do you have for this transition to have a successful outcome?

Even in the transition of power happening in this country this week, people from all sides of the aisle can find hope in that transition. You might hope your own life will improve by the promises of the President-elect. You might hope to face the policies proposed by this administration by protesting, engaging in activism and community organizing to make alternative change happen. However hope looks to you, it is the one thread we all have in common. Perhaps it may lead us to open up and listen to one another rather than dismiss each other out of fear and anger.

That which no longer serves you

As I was thinking about welcoming in a New Year and symbolically a New Start, I framed my desires for 2017 around the question of "What is no longer serving me?" The answer that came to me as I meditated on it was that having a television with cable TV no longer was serving me. Once I fully let that sink in, and accepted what it meant to get rid of TV, I took the plunge and cancelled my Comcast TV account effective this Friday. Deep breath in…deep breath out. (Side note: I am, however, keeping my Netflix streaming plan for those dire moments when I just need some couch time and a favorite show, because I know my boundaries and that indeed show watching down time can be a good stress reliever).

Let me backtrack a bit and tell you why TV is no longer serving me. Those who know me well know I am a champion "hunkering in" person. I could win awards for the amount of time I spend alone, at home, and content to do so. I have created a number of rituals around being a "nester" that bring me comfort and help me to not feel lonely but rather as though I am "feeding my soul." Curling up on the couch, greyhound nearby, a good home cooked meal in front of me, and identifying a number of TV shows or movies I enjoy has been one of those rituals. However, as 2017 approached I realized I wanted to do things a little differently. Step outside the nest a little more. Push my boundaries, and live a little more. I realized that I won't meet new people sitting inside my quaint and cozy condo; that the only people I meet are characters on the big screen. That I won't see new art, or take in great theater, or take an evening walk enjoying the sunset, or even sit at a coffee shop with a book or a writing project and take in the energy of the people around me. 

My space, as well, is no longer serving my needs as I work at home and need ample creative space to make art, write, and work. Part of this reason is because my condo is very small and I don't have an extra bedroom to make into an office; but the other part is because an entire wall is dedicated to the TV. Getting rid of my TV will allow me to finally get the space balance I need in my condo to live, work, and entertain.

The question "What is no longer serving you?" isn't cut and dry. It isn't about "giving things up" necessarily; it is definitely not about bringing lack and scarcity into your life. It is about…

• What is keeping you from living the life you want to live? 
• What is keeping you from achieving the goals you have for yourself? 
• What are the roadblocks to your dreams/desires? 

Maybe you hit the snooze button many times in the morning, which makes you late getting off to work, so you can't get that workout in you want to do in order to get more fit. Hitting the snooze button no longer is serving you; but then maybe going bed so late or drinking coffee late into the afternoon is no longer serving you as well because it keeps you groggy and tired in the morning. The question "What is no longer serving you?" isn't about one thing that you need to stop in order to reach a goal; rather, it is a lifestyle question that helps you frame how you want to live your life and how to achieve your life's goals, hopes, and dreams.

As we inch our way through the first month of this year, take some time to reflect on what is no longer serving you. Ask yourself these questions:

1. What do I want more of in my life?
2. What is no longer serving me? What is getting in the way of what I want for my life?
3. How can I let go of what no longer serves me? How can I embrace the changes I want to make?
4. How can I live enough outside of my comfort zone that I will be more courageous, brave, and energized about life this time next year?

Even though the question "What is no longer serving you?" can lead to a positive lifestyle shift, baby steps are often how to get there. It doesn't have to be as big as getting rid of your TV; maybe it is as small as not hitting the snooze button…which may lead to your workout…which may give you more energy…which may make you excited to do it all again the next day. However what you decide to change looks, take note of the positive impacts it has on your life.