Getting by...

I haven't been keeping track of how many days or weeks COVID-19 has put the world in self-isolation. I know the weekend of March 7th I was in Denver, at the Oprah 2020 Vision Tour with a good friend, and then seeing another good friend in Fort Collins, dining out and meandering downtown shops. I spent time with my family and celebrated my belated birthday and saw a movie. Everything since then seems like a blur, to be honest, days running into each other.

This morning I woke up considering how am I getting by right now? I find inspiration on Instagram, I watch a lot of shows I enjoy on Netflix, I cook good food for myself and spend a lot of time with Rene at the local parks. And oh yeah! I get by too with the help from my friends and family!

It has been an interesting time of rediscovering long distance connection. Do you make phone calls, Skype, Duo or Zoom? Have virtual happy hours or book club conversations? Watch live videos on Instagram? Send letters? I've done all these things, and have felt the pure, honest love and care of those with whom I am connecting. I've talked to friends I haven't spoken to in months due to busy lives; family members where I can have long, honest conversations; and other friends where we share a "funny meme of the day"; with others we share our drinks of choice over a phone call that does not include COVID-19 talk. I still get to go to work, so see those mates if I can, and just asking "How are you doing?" allows us all to just breathe a little better.

How are you getting through this time of quarantine, social distancing, fear of sickness, job loss, working from home with no escape? Put like that, it sounds pretty daunting. So for myself I just piece it all one day, one hour, one second at a time. I give myself lots of permissions (it's okay to eat ice cream in bed watching a Netflix show at 3pm!) but also a few challenges (let's try to get up at the same time each day to keep a routine). And, of course, I make connections with friends and family: texting, calling, instant messaging, post commenting, mailing letters. In the end, I picture us all coming out of our homes, bleary eyed, with our real hair color and texture, and reaching out for a hug or a hand or a kiss or to wipe away a tear off a face makeup hasn't graced in months. We put on our best clothes and meet at that restaurant that we love and toast to getting by, getting through, and getting there together.

Thank you for helping me get by, and I hope I help you get by, too!

XOXO Mel

Grief not related to death loss

I am writing this in the time of the Coronavirus (COVID-19) worldwide pandemic. If there is any time to write a blog post now is it! But I have been giving thought about what to write and I encountered a huge "AHA" moment today, thus I am here, sharing my thoughts. As always, my thoughts are mine, from my personal experience and that of the clients with whom I work, to the articles I read, the podcasts I listen to and the books I devour.

I listened yesterday to a wonderful interview on Colorado Public Radio's Colorado Matters with Rick Ginsberg, the President of the Colorado Psychological Association. He said that many emotions we are all feeling right now are much akin to grief. That we are experiencing an upheaval of regular patterns of life, and we may feel grief emotions such as anger, denial, bargaining, and at some point acceptance. He noted that we are experiencing a loss of the familiar and many might be feeling hypervigilant in our health. He validated that it is okay to “be a little messy” right now and to have tolerance for ourselves and our emotions.

I recently had two experiences in one day that, as I reflected upon them today, were also much like those that can happen while grieving. In one day I had two people who I care about very much invalidate the feelings of fear and anxiety I had expressed feeling, much like the feelings one has when grieving (e.g. "Well, you did have 50 good years of marriage!", "Well, she was very sick...", "Well, he did smoke cigarettes...", "You should think about getting remarried!"). When I work with grieving people we often talk about seeking out support from people who are going to validate struggles and "walk alongside" the griever rather than fixing emotional pain or trying to take tough emotions away. Recently, when these people who I care about didn't want to acknowledge my pain, I felt further isolated, anxious and lonely. Which is very akin to grief.

Why am I sharing this openly in my post today? Well, I want to share that it is okay to still love people in your lives but not everyone needs to be your go-to when you need emotional support during a difficult time. This post is to encourage you to evaluate your relationships and see who in your life can just walk alongside you and just be there, and those who find your uncomfortable emotions too uncomfortable and allow them be there for other love and support (doing enjoyable things together, texting and phone call gratitude check ins, sharing life review, or sharing funny and meaningful stories).  That day I made a third call, to a friend who walks beside me, who validated my fears and offered a grounding act of just putting my hand on my belly and rub in slow circles to feel self-comfort and self-care. That friend brought my anxiety from a 9 to a 2 in the 15mins we chatted.

There is no right or wrong...in this, some people can only give what they can give right now. It is a tough time for everyone....not one person isn't affected. However, giving ourselves the control back to know how to access the support we need during trying times is a big part in feeling grounded and able to be resilient through tough times.

I wish you and your loved ones good health during this time and always!