Knowing

Tonight I met up with two friends, both who bring to my life two different special qualities. One friend I have known since high school so for pretty much over 30 years; the other I met in book club back in the early 2000's. My long time friend is one of those people who just really gets me, and I don't have to explain myself much. Since I didn't "grow up" with my other friend and we have known each other our adult lives she brings a more logical, inquisitive and sometimes pragmatic perspective on life. My long time friend is the person who supports me in my life and loves me regardless; my other friend has her opinions and thoughts on various decisions or life transitions. Both friendships bring me so much, albeit different, support and friendship.

Tonight, we talked about grief. It's the one thing I know intimately, and its something my friends know too in their own ways. Since I work with the grieving, and I talk about grief almost every day of my life, it is as natural as drinking water for me to talk about it even over a nice glass of wine and some small plates at a nice restaurant. My more pragmatic friend's father-in-law recently died and her mother-in-law is trying to make sense of her world that is now upside down. Oh boy, do I get that and I meet people every day experiencing this. My pragmatic friend wants to be a fixer, she wants to help her own husband as he tries to help his mom and grieve in his own way, and she wants her mother-in-law to make decisions that my friend thinks will help her get over her grief.

Tonight she said, "I'm afraid her husband's death will kill my mother-in-law." And I just sat there and said, "Yes, perhaps it will. Some spouses really do die after their partner does."

And I realized at middle age we all have a "knowing." My friend is a mother of three, a wife, and has a career as a genetic counselor. She's presented at conferences, written articles, is consulted with, is probably one of the best in her field. I wouldn't know where to begin if I was someone who needed her help. My other friend is a mom of two kids, a wife, an educator, a leader on equity and literacy in a high-needs school. I don't know a thing about implementing equity practices in a school or obtaining the kind of outcomes that show students are learning. For both friends I know they kick butts in their work and are amazing at what they do.

As for me, even if my friends have had their own losses, they may not know grief the way I do. And so I can help them understand it better so that they can help people they love grieve at their own pace. Even if that pace means a completely broken heart.

In one of my grief groups, a woman shared this following quote. I thought about my friend's mother-in-law and how this is most likely so true for her, as it can be for so many other people. So I want to share with the world: Let people grieve. Give them their space. Don't try to make things better or fix them. Check in with them, let them know you love them, let them know you are there for them. In time things become less intense, but they will continue to grieve the rest of their lives. For that is the only relationship of its kind that will ever exist.

What is your "knowing"? How is this special to who you are and how you make your way in the world?