Grief not related to death loss

I am writing this in the time of the Coronavirus (COVID-19) worldwide pandemic. If there is any time to write a blog post now is it! But I have been giving thought about what to write and I encountered a huge "AHA" moment today, thus I am here, sharing my thoughts. As always, my thoughts are mine, from my personal experience and that of the clients with whom I work, to the articles I read, the podcasts I listen to and the books I devour.

I listened yesterday to a wonderful interview on Colorado Public Radio's Colorado Matters with Rick Ginsberg, the President of the Colorado Psychological Association. He said that many emotions we are all feeling right now are much akin to grief. That we are experiencing an upheaval of regular patterns of life, and we may feel grief emotions such as anger, denial, bargaining, and at some point acceptance. He noted that we are experiencing a loss of the familiar and many might be feeling hypervigilant in our health. He validated that it is okay to “be a little messy” right now and to have tolerance for ourselves and our emotions.

I recently had two experiences in one day that, as I reflected upon them today, were also much like those that can happen while grieving. In one day I had two people who I care about very much invalidate the feelings of fear and anxiety I had expressed feeling, much like the feelings one has when grieving (e.g. "Well, you did have 50 good years of marriage!", "Well, she was very sick...", "Well, he did smoke cigarettes...", "You should think about getting remarried!"). When I work with grieving people we often talk about seeking out support from people who are going to validate struggles and "walk alongside" the griever rather than fixing emotional pain or trying to take tough emotions away. Recently, when these people who I care about didn't want to acknowledge my pain, I felt further isolated, anxious and lonely. Which is very akin to grief.

Why am I sharing this openly in my post today? Well, I want to share that it is okay to still love people in your lives but not everyone needs to be your go-to when you need emotional support during a difficult time. This post is to encourage you to evaluate your relationships and see who in your life can just walk alongside you and just be there, and those who find your uncomfortable emotions too uncomfortable and allow them be there for other love and support (doing enjoyable things together, texting and phone call gratitude check ins, sharing life review, or sharing funny and meaningful stories).  That day I made a third call, to a friend who walks beside me, who validated my fears and offered a grounding act of just putting my hand on my belly and rub in slow circles to feel self-comfort and self-care. That friend brought my anxiety from a 9 to a 2 in the 15mins we chatted.

There is no right or wrong...in this, some people can only give what they can give right now. It is a tough time for everyone....not one person isn't affected. However, giving ourselves the control back to know how to access the support we need during trying times is a big part in feeling grounded and able to be resilient through tough times.

I wish you and your loved ones good health during this time and always!