Home is Where the Heart Is

If you have had any sort of conversation with me, you probably know I have been myself in transition and have probably talked to you about my ability or inability to make decisions. Last night, however, I had a bit of an epiphany, and the epiphany is this:

I left Denver for Delta for both work and a lifestyle that I knew I would love. A Denver native, I find I am nostalgic for the "old Denver" and not totally loving this growing city, where my favorite past haunts have closed for more upscale or hip places and traffic where driving 5 miles takes 30 minutes. Delta is a totally different world. It's slower, smaller, quieter; it has established roots and pretty fiercely devoted people. I can also drive to, get my grocery shopping done, and be home in less than 30 mins. Or drive 20 miles in 20 minutes.

But in Denver, I also moved from so many people that I love! And from my little condo that I grow more attached to each time I visit and enjoy the fact that it's mine, not a rental.  In Delta, I have made some wonderful new friends and my work allows me to engage with absolutely amazing clients who themselves work hard everyday to make sense out of life and death.

Last night, I got to thinking....do I really at this point need to "settle in" to one place? If the worst thing in the world is that I love of a lot of people in different places then let me say I am completely blessed! The only limitations I put on myself during this time of transition and change are my own limitations, or perhaps the influence of others' opinions. If I am defining "settled" in one box I am forgetting that there are many other definitions and ways to be "settled." Because what is life but a series of changes and transitions everyday anyway?

My all time favorite quote is by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, author, nun...

For me, I have an inkling that what I need to know is how to live, accept, and love fully in the moment. What does this quote say to you?

Lifting of the Fog

In grief counseling, there is the concept we talk about of the "grief fog." This is that part of the brain that slows down, or even shuts off, during times of stress to protect the person from extremely stressful or painful events. You may have heard of someone "feeling like they are outside of their body" or "I left my body" or "I can't remember what I did or said". Most likely it is due to a stressful event that it difficult to process. A part of grief's journey to healing the heart and soul is coming out of that fog and engaging in, feeling, and participating in life once again. It's finding joy in a newly created reality.

For myself, over the past 9 years since Mike died, I've come in and out of the fog, even now when I feel extra stress around decisions I don't want to make alone. But one thing I do in my own newly created reality (which is newly created every day it feels like!) is take myself out on adventures. In our 9 year marriage Mike and I loved to travel-we went to Budapest, Prague, London, Paris, and many states: California, Arizona, Alaska, Oregon, Washington, Illinois, Washington DC and across so much of Colorado. I made a determination after he died to not get stuck or stagnant by not changing up my life's scenery every so often. I travelled to Oregon by myself a few months after he died, went to San Antonio and have been to Arizona a number of times. New Mexico has by far been my favorite spot. He and I never went there together so it kind of feels like "my" inspiring little mecca. One of my favorite things to do is identify a Colorado town and just spend a night or two with my travel sidekick greyhound, Rene.

Rene and I moved to Delta, CO a few months ago so I could work in a job I have coveted for so long: as a bereavement coordinator for a hospice. I have each foot in two different worlds because of a decision-making fog I am trying to come out of. I own my condo in Denver, and I am renting in Delta, as I work part-time and can come and go back and forth. I like it, actually...I had always wanted a city home and country home! But it isn't the smartest thing financially to do. So, I am in the fog of deciding to sell or rent my condo, to keep renting in Delta or to buy, or to just stay put and see how things shake out over the next year.

My trips to Denver have been really fun. I see my family and spend time with friends. I do love my little condo so I enjoy the huge kitchen, sit on the balcony, and take walks in the nice parks nearby. It is a nice break and my "home away from home" or however that may look in this situation. I hadn't actually spent time though in other towns since I moved. I had hoped to get to New Mexico but now it is so hot I think I will wait until the fall. Late in the week I decided it was time to enjoy a Colorado town and decided on Carbondale, CO. It is only about 2 hours if you meander from Delta and I love the little Main Street. So Rene and I threw a few belongings in my well-travelled Subaru and headed over McClure Pass.

Another thing I have begun to enjoy is taking photographs. I love capturing images from my travels as a way to keep inspiring me, and also to capture things that may not be photographed often. My photos are in a way my own little legacy of my life after Mike. These are some I have taken along the way from Delta to Carbondale. Maybe photos are a way for me to continue my journey out of the fog to document where I have been so I will always remember.

I Wish You a "Hygge Life"

The concept of self-care became important to me as I was beginning to unpack the emotional suitcase my husband’s death left behind. Having been a primary caregiver for the last 9 months of his life, as well as attempting to work full-time, still be a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a pet owner, a home owner, etc. I was left drained by stress, burnout, exhaustion, sadness, and fear. I found myself at any little sign of stress or change unable to keep it together or cope. I embarked on my discovery of what might bring me peace, comfort and joy as well as the ability to cope with the unexpected twists and turns the road of life includes. At the time it meant leaving my career in higher education to take some time off, engage in a yoga and walking practice, travel a little, cook good meals and eat well, and attend many retreats and workshops. But life had to get moving again, and I find myself still in a continuing practice of discovering what brings me joy, contentment, love, and coping with any difficulties that may come my way.

Self-care means many things to many people. It can come in all sorts of different forms depending on your own life. It can be as simple as taking a hot bath after a long day, choosing to take 30 minutes to sit and enjoy a lunch break at work instead of eating at your desk (or not eating at all), or as in-depth as setting boundaries and saying “no” when it can be difficult to do that. Self-care can be a daily act or ritual, or it can be a lifestyle choice.

On Christmas Eve, my friend Meg and I were talking about those items on our proverbial plates of life-family, work, paying the bills, etc-and what we do to dis-engage from the noise of life to recenter ourselves-mind, body, and soul. She introduced me to the Danish concept of “hygge” which I have found to be an elevated way of living a life of self-care. To best describe “hygge” (I think pronounced hue-guh but don’t quote me on that!) in one sentence:

 

I did a little research, and much of the tradition comes from those long Scandinavian cold nights where families spent time cozied up by the fire, telling stories and being together. It is a way for people to break up the cold, dark and often boredom found in such long days and nights-anything from a hot cup of coffee, to lighting candles or a fire, or being wrapped in warm blankets while reading a good book. But, hygge isn’t a winter only activity-it is found in all seasons: Sharing a meal with friends, having a picnic, running through sprinklers, sinking bare feet into grass, or feeling ocean waves cover your feet as they sink into sand. It’s wearing clothing you like, engaging in small rituals to make the day enjoyable, and celebrates community and being with family and friends, as well as singular little joys.

This winter, I am committing myself to a little hygge, everyday. I am slowing down, letting go of feeling like I should be doing something or need to be doing something. I am taking hot baths while listening to a good audiobook in the background; I am lighting candles every night; I am buying myself flowers and wearing my cozy slippers; I am stargazing wrapped in blankets with a hot drink on my balcony; I am bringing a travel mug of coffee or tea on my walks with Rene; I am re-defining what quality time means with family and friends. I am also learning a bit of the hygge life from Rene, who seems to have this concept perfected!

Living a “Hygge Life” doesn’t mean that it is one more thing to have to add to your already overflowing plate. It isn’t just one more thing you “should do”. Hyggehouse.com explains it for the Danes as: “By creating simple rituals without effort the Danes see both the domestic and personal life as an art form and not everyday drudgery to get away from. They incorporate hygge into their daily life so it becomes a natural extension rather than a forced and stressful event. So whether it’s making coffee a verb by creating a ritual of making it every morning to a cozy evening in with friends where you’re just enjoying each others company to the simple act of lighting a candle with every meal, hygge is just about being aware of a good moment.” So, however you decide to incorporate a little hygge into your life I hope it brings you coziness, comfort and joy! (Side note: Critics have said that hygge can be seen as a white, middle or upper class concept. For the sake of this writing, I am taking the perspective that everyone can incorporate a tiny bit of hygge into their day to day routines. However, I know that it is easier for people who have privilege or means to do that versus people who do not).

Taking Care

Lately I have been thinking about all that is going on that has bubbled up so many different emotions in so many people. Natural disasters that have uprooted lives and destroyed homes, cities, even islands; people coming forward about sexual harassment and assault perpetrated on them; mass shootings; a healthcare system in question; fiery talk between the US and North Korea; refugee crises across the world; anxiety of Dreamers about their future; anxiety of immigrant communities about their living situations; dare I say the list goes on?

As my own anxieties surface about the state of things, I have been struggling with how to respond. How much to say; how much to not say; how much money to give to various organizations; where to volunteer; how I can help. With such a list, nothing seems good enough and can feel very frustrating.

During times like these, I take a deep breath and go back to my very basics, those basics I have learned throughout my life and education that remind me the most important thing I can do is take care of myself. As the saying goes, “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”

I thought I would share a list of self-care practices that you can use to get through the anxieties of our time. The list is not exhaustive and you may have your own items to add to it. I find when I employ self-care techniques that work for me, I can breathe again and be who I want to be for and with others.

1. Find physical and tactile ways to soothe yourself. Much of what we are hearing about can lead to us re-living our past traumas. Trauma can sit in body and resurface, so find ways to self-soothe physically: Take a walk; take a hot bath; seek massage, yoga, stretching, tai chi or pilates to get your body moving and cared for; pet your dog, cat or other pets.
2. Step away and take time just to “be”: Silence can be a wonderful thing. Turning off the TV, radio, computer, phone and spend time in the silence. Step away from the duties of the day-family, workplace, etc-and spend some time by yourself. Reconnect to that inner beauty of who you are, not who you think you need to be to others. Stop the noise from coming in for just a little while, take some deep breaths, and just “be”.
3. Re-connect to your spiritual self. This can mean really anything that lifts your soul and heart. Go to church, mosque, temple. Walk in nature and really immerse yourself in all its glory and interconnectedness. Listen to an inspiring podcast. Read spiritual texts. Sing. Meditate. Pray. Philosopher and Jesuit Priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said: “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." Tap into that spiritual side of yourself and let it express itself.
4. Find a creative outlet. Creating is a great way to address your anxieties and have a place for them to go. Cooking a meal, for yourself or to share, that you absolutely love. Coloring in a coloring book. Make a piece of art. Sing, play an instrument, attend a drum circle, dance. Re-decorate parts of your home.
5. Have a change of scenery and get yourself out of your daily routine. Take a scenic drive to work or a different route. Stop to treat yourself to a coffee or tea at a coffee shop that is new to you. Take a day and go to a new park, or visit a small town and stroll its main street. 

The list of self-care practices can go on, and these are some of my favorite go-to things I do when I am feeling like I need to give myself a little TLC. What are yours? What can you add to this list that will help you during uncertain times?

A Well Lived-In Home

I find fall and winter to be the times of year where I create a well lived-in home.

Spring and summer bring me to want to be outside of my home. It brings open windows or doors that may let some dust and bugs in; the light is different and lasts longer; food is microwaved and grilled more than turning on the heat of the oven.

In the fall and winter, I can cultivate aspects of what I consider my own well lived-in home. Soup or stew in the crock pot; lots of incense, sage or cedar sticks burning; warm air circulating; blankets strewn about; lotions and soaps that smell of lavender, vanilla or almond; books on corners of tables that are finally being gotten around to; quieter music filling the air; new journals filled with life reflections and future plans; coffee set on the morning timer to welcome me to the new day.

What evokes a well lived-in home to you?  In the fall and winter how do you nest and tend to your inner garden?

Letting Go

I remember my wedding rehearsal dinner, which was left to my in-laws due to tradition. They went all out country at the Denver Buffalo Company (when it was around), in full with menus in the shape of cowboy boots. Coming off a life of grunge music and Grateful Dead, me being artsy and Mike being this outdoorsy and adventurous guy- both of us trying to be "individual"- both of us didn’t love the "cowboy style" of the rehearsal dinner.

Fast forward so many years and life has changed. Mike is gone and I am left to my own devices. I don’t know how or why but I am a left winged liberal who loves rural America and I hate contemporary country music but absolutely love Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash and line dancing on Tuesday nights at The Grizzly Rose.

What is different?

I guess I have started to learn to let things go. Not hang so tightly to “personal identity” but go more with “what makes me happy.” I love my drives through rural America, and dream of living again in rural America someday. I love walking out of the Grizzly Rose all sweaty because I gave my all to a line dancing lesson to country music I wouldn’t listen to any other time...and screwed up half the dance but had fun doing so anyway.

Where can you identify in your life places where you can let go?  How will letting go serve you for the better? What fear do you have around letting go? And why does hanging on so tightly mean so much?

I ask myself these questions, still, because I still wind myself tight at times. But give me a little music and some room to dance and I hopefully can let it go....