Journaling for History's Sake

I have kept a journal or diary pretty much since I learned to write. I have had the ones you could only open with the little key, travel journals, journals to write about my favorite books or wines or memories. There is a box somewhere in my storage unit with a pile of journals, banded together, with a note on them that says "Read at your own risk." Hey, if you want to read my journals don't be surprised by what you find. I know that is always the fear of keeping journals. A notebook with your deepest, darkest secrets being discovered can feel horrifying.

Or is it?

Lately I have been listening to radio stories about journaling during catastrophes, such as the Coronavirus pandemic we are experiencing right now. I was reminded of Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl and other journals and diaries that were published throughout history (here is a link to some others: History's Greatest Diaries). We read them in school, we learn history from them, and they teach us how to write in a steam of conscious way. After people are long gone, journals and diaries are a way of preserving the memory that they were once here.

I continue to have a pile of journals ready to be banded together and added to the box with the "Read at your own risk" sign taped to them. And I recently began a poetry journal, as the pandemic has inspired me to uncover my emotions and experiences through this type of art. My hope is that I can revisit these journals to see how I evolved and changed through the ups and downs of life, and after I am long gone they may be read as a little bit of history.

If you haven't given journaling a try, here are some easy tips and tricks in case you would like to!

• Journals can be anything. A notebook, a sketchbook, one of those expensive leather bound ones. The key is the ease of which you can write in it. Does it have a flexible binding? Do you like to write within lines or are you okay with a blank page? Can it easily fit into your bag so you can bring it with you throughout your day?
• Journals don't have to be pages upon pages of writing. You can keep your entries short, you can draw pictures, or you can do "timed writing" where you set a timer for 3-5 minutes and just...write.
• If you find yourself with writer's block, there are a lot of websites out there to help you with journal prompts. Do you want to write about work, personal life, your dreams? Here is a website with some go-to prompts to get you started! Journaling Ideas

However you document your life...through a journal, diary, artwork, photos, Instagram/social media, writing a memoir...you are contributing to history in the making through your own eyes and experiences!

Getting by...

I haven't been keeping track of how many days or weeks COVID-19 has put the world in self-isolation. I know the weekend of March 7th I was in Denver, at the Oprah 2020 Vision Tour with a good friend, and then seeing another good friend in Fort Collins, dining out and meandering downtown shops. I spent time with my family and celebrated my belated birthday and saw a movie. Everything since then seems like a blur, to be honest, days running into each other.

This morning I woke up considering how am I getting by right now? I find inspiration on Instagram, I watch a lot of shows I enjoy on Netflix, I cook good food for myself and spend a lot of time with Rene at the local parks. And oh yeah! I get by too with the help from my friends and family!

It has been an interesting time of rediscovering long distance connection. Do you make phone calls, Skype, Duo or Zoom? Have virtual happy hours or book club conversations? Watch live videos on Instagram? Send letters? I've done all these things, and have felt the pure, honest love and care of those with whom I am connecting. I've talked to friends I haven't spoken to in months due to busy lives; family members where I can have long, honest conversations; and other friends where we share a "funny meme of the day"; with others we share our drinks of choice over a phone call that does not include COVID-19 talk. I still get to go to work, so see those mates if I can, and just asking "How are you doing?" allows us all to just breathe a little better.

How are you getting through this time of quarantine, social distancing, fear of sickness, job loss, working from home with no escape? Put like that, it sounds pretty daunting. So for myself I just piece it all one day, one hour, one second at a time. I give myself lots of permissions (it's okay to eat ice cream in bed watching a Netflix show at 3pm!) but also a few challenges (let's try to get up at the same time each day to keep a routine). And, of course, I make connections with friends and family: texting, calling, instant messaging, post commenting, mailing letters. In the end, I picture us all coming out of our homes, bleary eyed, with our real hair color and texture, and reaching out for a hug or a hand or a kiss or to wipe away a tear off a face makeup hasn't graced in months. We put on our best clothes and meet at that restaurant that we love and toast to getting by, getting through, and getting there together.

Thank you for helping me get by, and I hope I help you get by, too!

XOXO Mel

Grief not related to death loss

I am writing this in the time of the Coronavirus (COVID-19) worldwide pandemic. If there is any time to write a blog post now is it! But I have been giving thought about what to write and I encountered a huge "AHA" moment today, thus I am here, sharing my thoughts. As always, my thoughts are mine, from my personal experience and that of the clients with whom I work, to the articles I read, the podcasts I listen to and the books I devour.

I listened yesterday to a wonderful interview on Colorado Public Radio's Colorado Matters with Rick Ginsberg, the President of the Colorado Psychological Association. He said that many emotions we are all feeling right now are much akin to grief. That we are experiencing an upheaval of regular patterns of life, and we may feel grief emotions such as anger, denial, bargaining, and at some point acceptance. He noted that we are experiencing a loss of the familiar and many might be feeling hypervigilant in our health. He validated that it is okay to “be a little messy” right now and to have tolerance for ourselves and our emotions.

I recently had two experiences in one day that, as I reflected upon them today, were also much like those that can happen while grieving. In one day I had two people who I care about very much invalidate the feelings of fear and anxiety I had expressed feeling, much like the feelings one has when grieving (e.g. "Well, you did have 50 good years of marriage!", "Well, she was very sick...", "Well, he did smoke cigarettes...", "You should think about getting remarried!"). When I work with grieving people we often talk about seeking out support from people who are going to validate struggles and "walk alongside" the griever rather than fixing emotional pain or trying to take tough emotions away. Recently, when these people who I care about didn't want to acknowledge my pain, I felt further isolated, anxious and lonely. Which is very akin to grief.

Why am I sharing this openly in my post today? Well, I want to share that it is okay to still love people in your lives but not everyone needs to be your go-to when you need emotional support during a difficult time. This post is to encourage you to evaluate your relationships and see who in your life can just walk alongside you and just be there, and those who find your uncomfortable emotions too uncomfortable and allow them be there for other love and support (doing enjoyable things together, texting and phone call gratitude check ins, sharing life review, or sharing funny and meaningful stories).  That day I made a third call, to a friend who walks beside me, who validated my fears and offered a grounding act of just putting my hand on my belly and rub in slow circles to feel self-comfort and self-care. That friend brought my anxiety from a 9 to a 2 in the 15mins we chatted.

There is no right or wrong...in this, some people can only give what they can give right now. It is a tough time for everyone....not one person isn't affected. However, giving ourselves the control back to know how to access the support we need during trying times is a big part in feeling grounded and able to be resilient through tough times.

I wish you and your loved ones good health during this time and always! 

Checking out...creatively

It is no secret that I love "shows." It doesn't have to be "Television". It is anything I can watch and get into the characters and stories as a way to "check out" and have some down time. I must admit, my preferences are sometimes a tad indulgent, such as my recent obsession with Gossip Girl. But, I also found Glee to be sweet and heartfelt, and shows such as Bloodline or Narcos to be a little jarring to system.

While I love to "check out" during an engaging show, I also make sure that I am checking in with myself. So, recently as episodes of Gossip Girl waft by me I have been collage making. There is something so self-care oriented about watching an indulgent show, all the while painting, cutting, glueing and collaging my way artistically!

Here are a few creations I have made so I am "checking in" while "checking out"!

May you find ways to "check out".......purposefully!

Heart Rocks

I have discovered a new hobby...heart rock hunting! Many of the areas I walk with Rene have rocks, stones, or gravel and if I look really close I usually find some in the shapes of hearts. The picture above are four rocks I found, painted, and gave to my friend's four grandchildren for Christmas. 

It was hard to let these rocks go, as I had a fear I would never find heart rocks again. But then I continue on my walking and find more and more. Which tells me that there is lots of love to go around when you leave your senses...and your heart...open.

Heart rock hunting has become a mindfulness practice for me. I spend time in nature, and purposefully put one foot in front of the other and I look for rocks. I know I am really "being in the moment" when I find one!

What small hobbies, rituals or routines do you have that help you experience the moment?

Gratitude

This time of year, our social media starts bringing up quotes on gratitude, 30 day gratitude challenges, ads for gratitude journals, and friends posting what they are grateful for. That is pretty cool, to have that much information about gratitude out there in a world where things are often painful and hard.

I did my own little 30 day gratitude list and what I have found is it really does help change perspective. On those days where I don't feel like I am enough, or feel depleted, or missing my family or friends, I think about the day and what about it brought me joy or appreciation. I do have to say, my brain tends to go there first now rather than to the negative.

I chatted with a friend about gratitude the other day, and for both of us it isn't about a kind of car we drive or a big house or a lot of money but those daily sweet things. That cup of coffee while no one else is up in the morning; a walk on a trail with a running creek; time spent catching up with friends. And even if I find myself still searching, still trying to find "home" I am realizing more and more with gratitude, home is wherever you and love reside.

So, as we inch into the Christmas season, I continue to have Thanksgiving in my heart for all the sweet, small things that make life so lovely.

I am grateful for you!

(This is a view only 45 mins from my Delta home, in Paonia, which is a view I love and am grateful to have such beauty at my fingertips!)

Knowing

Tonight I met up with two friends, both who bring to my life two different special qualities. One friend I have known since high school so for pretty much over 30 years; the other I met in book club back in the early 2000's. My long time friend is one of those people who just really gets me, and I don't have to explain myself much. Since I didn't "grow up" with my other friend and we have known each other our adult lives she brings a more logical, inquisitive and sometimes pragmatic perspective on life. My long time friend is the person who supports me in my life and loves me regardless; my other friend has her opinions and thoughts on various decisions or life transitions. Both friendships bring me so much, albeit different, support and friendship.

Tonight, we talked about grief. It's the one thing I know intimately, and its something my friends know too in their own ways. Since I work with the grieving, and I talk about grief almost every day of my life, it is as natural as drinking water for me to talk about it even over a nice glass of wine and some small plates at a nice restaurant. My more pragmatic friend's father-in-law recently died and her mother-in-law is trying to make sense of her world that is now upside down. Oh boy, do I get that and I meet people every day experiencing this. My pragmatic friend wants to be a fixer, she wants to help her own husband as he tries to help his mom and grieve in his own way, and she wants her mother-in-law to make decisions that my friend thinks will help her get over her grief.

Tonight she said, "I'm afraid her husband's death will kill my mother-in-law." And I just sat there and said, "Yes, perhaps it will. Some spouses really do die after their partner does."

And I realized at middle age we all have a "knowing." My friend is a mother of three, a wife, and has a career as a genetic counselor. She's presented at conferences, written articles, is consulted with, is probably one of the best in her field. I wouldn't know where to begin if I was someone who needed her help. My other friend is a mom of two kids, a wife, an educator, a leader on equity and literacy in a high-needs school. I don't know a thing about implementing equity practices in a school or obtaining the kind of outcomes that show students are learning. For both friends I know they kick butts in their work and are amazing at what they do.

As for me, even if my friends have had their own losses, they may not know grief the way I do. And so I can help them understand it better so that they can help people they love grieve at their own pace. Even if that pace means a completely broken heart.

In one of my grief groups, a woman shared this following quote. I thought about my friend's mother-in-law and how this is most likely so true for her, as it can be for so many other people. So I want to share with the world: Let people grieve. Give them their space. Don't try to make things better or fix them. Check in with them, let them know you love them, let them know you are there for them. In time things become less intense, but they will continue to grieve the rest of their lives. For that is the only relationship of its kind that will ever exist.

What is your "knowing"? How is this special to who you are and how you make your way in the world?

Favorite Things

It has been quite some time since I blogged. I don't have Internet at home in Delta, so I am taking advantage of my parents' connection as I visit for Thanksgiving! I was able to get here safe and sound after a big storm, and yesterday we enjoyed a lovely holiday celebration together.

I woke up this morning thinking about my list of all things I am grateful for and of course one of these things is my family! But I also was giving thought to one of the special places that brings joy to my soul and that is...New Mexico. I don't know why, but the minute I cross the state line I feel different-lighter, more grounded, more soulful. I went in September to spend a lovely week there and stayed in Taos mostly, as usual, and a couple of days in Santa Fe. One reason New Mexico is a favorite place is all the nooks and crannies with color, all the windows framed by bright flowers, the red chile pepper ristras that hang from walls or ceilings. Everywhere its seems there is something special just around the corner, it feels like, even if it's just a pop of color from a tall hollyhock against an adobe wall.

I wanted to share some of these nooks and crannies from photos I took because every time I go, I try to capture these little vignettes so I can always have New Mexico to go back to in my heart and soul.

Happy Holidays to you, and my your life be filled with your favorite things!

 

Nature as an intrinsic healer

The Black Canyon of the Gunnison is an amazing natural wonder. A part of the national park system, the Black Canyon is awe inspiring. And, it is virtually in my backyard! I can access the South Rim from Montrose, and the North Rim from Crawford. Both easily only 30 minutes away.

When I lived in Montrose years ago, I visited the Black Canyon on a regular basis. I hadn't been since I moved to Delta and I finally went yesterday. Rene in tow, we drove the South Rim drive and got out at a few overlooks. Devil's Overlook is one of my favorites as you can see the West Elks popping up in the back ground and as you look down through the deep canyon you can see the Gunnison River rushing through. It is an amazing sight to behold.

I find during times of confusion, frustration, considering the future, or in times of transition and change getting out into nature is a very good way to ground myself. It gives me a new perspective, as I see myself a part of this extensive, vast, expansive and beautiful universe. I bought myself an annual pass because I know I will need to visit from time to time to gain perspective.



Savoring the in-between

During times of transition, we often feel we are moving from one thing next in a linear way. Like, buying a home after renting, or moving into a higher level position at work, or even in grief...having to "move on" after the death of a loved one.

But is it possible to be in transition and be attached to things not in a linear but in a messy kind of way?

I say yes!

This weekend I am in Denver to finally pack all my things up from my condo and rent it out. It has taken me over a year to decide this because 1) I didn't want to make an irrational decision before I knew I liked my Western Slope life; 2) I loved coming back for long weekends and staying in my condo; and 3) I didn't know if I wanted to rent or buy. After much thought and conversations with friends and family, I decided to rent it out for some extra income and also so that I don't have to give it up...just yet. And my teariness I have felt on and off when I look around my condo tells me I have made the right decision, that I still love it just enough to not say goodbye to it for good. And I don't know quite yet what I will be saying hello to, either. Buying a home on the Western Slope? Continuing renting and looking toward the future? Someday making my New Mexico dream come true?

So here I sit in two worlds. The first is the city world, where there are so many people, so much to do, and so much opportunity. It is the world I grew up in, the world I know in and out. The second is the rural world, where there is a slower pace of life, not as many people or job opportunities but ample opportunities to slow down, savor the hiking and scenic drives and flavors of a rural lifestyle. I have to say...I love them both! 

During times of transition and change, it is okay to be "in-between." You don't always have to make concrete decisions, you can slowly make your way through change while savoring all those parts of life you really love. That is my plan, anyway!

Making Connections

The town of Delta, CO can sometimes be a little rough and a little lonely. To the passer by, it may look like one of those cute and charming Colorado small towns. But it has the same problems many of those small towns have-poverty, drug use, neglected and abused children (and animals). Don't get me wrong...I like "The Underdog" and so enjoy living in this part of Colorado. And, despite its problems, Delta is made up of some of the biggest hearted people I know.

Connections are an important part of any living situation. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, making connections in life is often how we get through, how we persevere and how we deal with change and transition. I want to share this story of connection recently:

Rene and I were at the local park near the middle school late one afternoon. School was on break and four "tweenagers" (3 girls and a boy) were hanging out at the park. All of them were a little grubby, or a little goth, or a little grungy but they squealed like children when they saw Rene. Rene, mind you, is a bit of an anomaly in our neck of the woods. Delta virtually has no greyhounds, Montrose and Grand Junction have a few. Top that with her red fawn coloring and she looks a lot like a little deer.

We walked by and they gasped, "She is so beautiful! Can we pet her?" I replied that she is shy and so we would see how she would respond. They came toward her and she backed away. The kids then brainstormed, "what if we all sit down?" so they sat in a half circle with their hands reaching toward her. She was still a little shy but would move toward them, then back away. I had some treats so I gave each willing hand some, and Rene made her way around the group, eating treats and getting pets and praise. When it was time to go, they all said they will look for us again at the park. 

Some Delta young people can seem a little rough around the edges sometimes, and maybe they are. Maybe they have been written off by the adults in their lives, or neglected, or ignored, or yelled at. Maybe their parents have split, or one is dead, or another is addicted to something or another. But it made my day knowing that these kids, these rough around the edges but sweet heart kids, had a little "Rene Therapy" that made their day.

Little reminders to take a moment and be kind to each are life's way of nudging us forward, allowing our hearts to open to others. And then maybe their hearts will open to others. And maybe others will open their hearts to us. It's one big circle of connection.

Paths

I recently took Rene on a walk at Surface Creek Trail just outside of Cedaredge. I love this trail...it is an easy meander with a creek on one side and on the other a "Story Walk" where the library features a children's book throughout the walk.

On our recent stroll I was struck by the creek and the water. The paths the water has to take to run downstream. Where it might get stuck in the ice, snow or have to move around the rocks and where it might flow freely. It got me thinking about my own path. Where do I feel free to move on ahead? Where might I get stuck? Where might I have to navigate a new path around an obstacle? And considering the force flow of the water...don't I move on ahead regardless?

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019!

2019: A Year of Personal Transformation

It is hard to believe today is the first day of 2019. I can't recall where the time went! Maybe it was in all the physical movement I had...moving from Denver to Delta, from one home to another, moving along many miles in a car, moving along with Rene on scenic walks. Yes, for me 2018 was a year on the move! 

I am looking forward to what 2019 will bring. Now that I have shaken off inertia and have begun embarking on the art of movement, I believe 2019 will be a more personal transformation year. Time to be a little more authentic, honest, and less fearful; time to stop taking things so seriously; time to finally sink in and enjoy life, something that has been just out of my grasp for a number of years now. Time to start to sink into my own skin, sink into a new way of living and enjoy the unexpected!

2018 Year in Review!

I ended 2017 with a Lady Gaga concert with my dear friend Mary at The Pepsi Center

In March 2018 I moved to Delta, CO to work as a Bereavement Coordinator for the local hospice. It was a job I coveted for a long time one I continue to love. This was from Mary, with instructions to open when I moved into my Delta home. What a sweet message to begin my journey!

 I "surprised" Mom with a visit when the boys were in Arizona in the Spring!

My first little rental, the "Main Street House" 

And then my second little rental, my "tiny home"

 I really got into the spirit of creating this year!

I made some new friends and played bingo at my first official "Bingo Hall" 

Rene and I took lots of scenic drives and local adventures

I went "pickin' at the Pea"

 And had visitors!

  I marked the Taos High Road Art Tour off my bucket list

 And ended the year with family, friends, good food, great memories and a community Christmas dinner

My best to you and yours at the beginning of this new year and I hope 2019 brings you all good things! And if there are challenges, may this be the year you can persevere, have resiliency and make it through.

Love, Mel